Triggered by a bag (Counselling)

 

On June 13, 2024 I decided to write about an important post connected with a counselling appointment I had and I talked about the Shoppers store incident where a cashier thought I was possibly stealing, without saying it, as they don’t have plastic bags anymore.  I brought my own bag and put things I was going to buy in the bag that I bought. 

She thought I was returning things or possibly otherwise – that cashier was a little confused as I didn’t originally have the items I was going to buy in my hands or cart. 

When she questioned if I was returning things and implied having stuff in a bag could make others think a person could take something and just leave the store – but when I said oh no I wouldn’t do that– and it got me suddenly triggered and the cashier felt bad as she didn't mean to make me feel that way, and she was just confused about the bag of stuff I had – It ended up making me feel like I am a bad little girl inside.

That triggered me to feel guilty, shame, anxiety and fear, which I very much had growing up.

My Dad used to use a mean tone of voice saying "LITTLE GIRL" instead of a sweet "little girl" when he was mad at me or I got into trouble, which made me feel worse about myself.

I was trying to be the perfect child - so when my dad treated me in a mean type of way – I felt like a bad person, which caused me to believe I was a bad little girl and it made me more scared inside and made me want to punish myself – as I thought if I hurt myself then I could get myself in line and become perfect – and I hoped doing that like dad did would cause me to not get in trouble with Dad as I could punish/hurt myself and keep myself “safe”.

Even as an adult at the core my beliefs still are that I am a bad little girl, it really runs deep.

My counsellor had me talk to Yeshua (Jesus) and I said that when I was little all I wanted to do was be perfect so I didn't cause my dad to get angry - but unfortunately that didn't always happened and I got scared and felt shame for not being able to stop his anger.

Yeshua said to me, No one can be completely perfect and you were just a little girl and you didn't have the protection you needed from your dad to show love when mistakes happened. You aren't a bad little girl, you were a sad, scared little girl, who just wanted comfort – not anger and pain – and I am sorry things were so hard for you.

I said, Thank you Yeshua for caring about me and showing your love for me, and thank you for telling me that I wasn't a bad little girl.
Thank you for understanding and showing me that I was just a sad and scared little girl who deserves comfort instead and of pain.

It's still hard to accept and believe those positive things, but I want to believe it to be true, that I am a loved little girl inside, as well as adult.

Then my counsellor had The Inner Critic part talk and what it felt about the little girl.

The Inner Critic is really annoyed at the little girl

–and says, Stop being so emotional – as that's often what gets you more in trouble – to just turn off your emotional state – And that I see you as such a weak and bad little girl – and I wish you could just go away & kill yourself as you make things worse for people.

Yeshua responds by saying, That no one deserves to die – especially one that is hurting so much – and that this little girl is helpless and she just wants help to get better – so bringing her down and threatening her like her Dad is not helpful.

The Inner Critic says, I don't care, I just want her to stop being emotional and to grow up.

Yeshua says, She can't grow up if she keeps being bullied – So stop putting her down – as she's stronger than you realize with all that she's gone through.

Yeshua says to the Inner Critic,
To stop being so mean and to learn to encourage instead of put down Patricia, so that you all can grow up too.

The Inner Critic is not a fan of the idea of being kind – but we say to that then – at least be quiet if you can't stop being mean.

My counsellor said to tell the Inner Critic that – trying to get rid of the scared little girl part isn't going to make things better – it'll make it worse and that she needs comfort.

He also said that it's okay to have emotions and that you can't actually live without them - it's just a matter of managing and healing those emotions.

What started off as a little trigger with a bag, turned out to be something deeper, and that I know there are people out there that blame themselves for childhood trauma and more, and that it’s not your felt, and Yeshua (Jesus) & Elohim (God) don’t see you the way you see yourself.

That even with it being so many years later, and there may still be hurts there, to remember that you are loved and important.

Patricia  <3   :)

 

Psalm 139:1-4     O Lord, you have searched me and known me!  You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.   You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.   Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

 

Here’s a song about having the broken heart come and let the rescue begin and for the mercy to begin and earth has no sorrow that heaven can’t heal.  Lay down your burdens and shame, and all that are broken to lift up your face and lay down your hurt and come as you are. 

There’s hope for the hopeless even for those that have strayed.

 

“Come as you are” by Crowder

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvjvSDk8T5M&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=201