Learning to not blame my younger self (Counselling)

On April 4, 2024 I decided to write about an important post about of when I had a counselling session that was a more difficult topic to talk about, which we talked about a time when I was 10-13 years old off and on connected to another person that made me feel a lot of shame, and guilt.

It caused me to feel alone and isolated as a child.  It made me feel helpless and that I couldn’t protect myself in that situation.

My counsellor had me picture our Yeshua (Jesus) back then and I told my Yeshua how I felt.

I said Oh Lord, I feel so gross, and disgusting. I feel like it's my fault that person and I played the "Marriage Game", which we pretended that we were married and used other names.

I continued on and said, that I don't know why, but at the time I thought it was okay to be close with that person, because I believed that it was pretend.

Then I said, that when it became more, I didn't know what to do, and so I let my alter’s selves take over so that I could run away inside myself - so that I could pretend that person wasn't touching me.

Then I said, that when my alter's took over, that they thought we were really married, so as to not make me feel bad about myself.

But then I said, later when my memories came back when I was older. I hated myself that I had let that person touch me.

And so I wish that it had never happened - because it made me feel so gross & at times I hate myself for giving into those times.  Though I didn't totally understand what was going on over those years until later.

With that my Yeshua (Jesus) says,

Oh my child, you were just a child, and you did not understand what was really going on. As children we are often curious, and your curiosity, and kindness made the "Marriage" game happen, but that does not mean that you are ugly or a terrible person.

Yeshua then said, that person was also in the wrong, and if you knew back then it wasn't okay, you would have stopped it earlier.

So Stop blaming yourself, and help me to help you to love yourself - as I don't see an ugly child, but a beautiful woman that you are.
Yeshua continued to say, I am sorry that you had to go through the pain that you went through, so help me to help you to forgive yourself.

And Say NO!!! To the thoughts about wanting to take your life and hating yourself so much - as the enemy doesn't want you to be successful in life.

My Yeshua continued to say that, You are Strong and Beautiful and never give up on me or yourself!

With that I was thinking to myself –that it's hard to stop believing that it wasn't my fault with that person – but I want to believe that it wasn't my fault.

I felt Yeshua was reminding me that we all have things that we are ashamed of, and that with you being a child that you didn’t understand things back then. And I don’t blame you - so you should not blame yourself.

Then I asked my Yeshua to help me to accept that.
He asks me to forgive myself to letting that person touch me over the years, but for also not stopping right away, which I feel like I should have.

Yeshua says I will always love you, even if your heart feels black, I can bring Love into it.

The benefit of talking through these hard pasts is so I can move on and not let it hold me back anymore. As not forgiving myself can make me to stop loving myself - and when I keep hating myself I can't accept the good things – and it makes my anxiety and depression worse, as well as the guilt and shame.

So it’s important to listen to our Yeshua when He says that even in those very difficult times in the past, especially if you were a child that He does not see us in that awful way that we do.  The more we can accept ourselves, as He does that more it can bring us to that peaceful, loving, and safe place He has for us inside of us.

So though it’s really difficult reliving a place of trauma, our Lord can help you see that you are not alone, and you are meant to be here.  For anyone that’s experience those traumatic events, I am really sorry you went through that, and don’t blame yourself for those hurts, as it wasn’t in your power to know to stop those times.  I only send love from Him and from myself to you.

Patricia  <3   :)

 

1 Timothy 2:3-4     This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.

 

Here’s a good song about when the oceans rise and the thunders roar, and we will soar with our Lord above the storm, and He is our Father over the flood, that we will be still and know that He is God.

 

“Still” by Hillsong Worship

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_n6dfB2Z-Ko&list=PL3whQX319DaAclnKXItlUORyULzMr1rTi&index=12