When Addiction Rules Your Life -Yet God Doesn't Give Up on You!!!

 

I decided to write about July 22, 2023 as an important post, as a bunch went on.  So I knew originally when my Mom asked me if I wanted to go to her Church Picnic that I had wanted to go as I wasn't sure if I had been to a picnic before and if so it would have been a really long time.  Either way I knew that it had been a quite a long time since I had been to one, at least an official one - as I'm sure I probably have done unofficial ones with my Mom when I was little.

So as I was saying I wanted to go to my Mom's Church's picnic, as I was still staying with her, and because it had been the Church I had gone to for a long time off and on.

But there was a few other possibilities that came up that could cause me to go or not to go.

I could go - and have my sister visit me after (which could be a quite busy day for me - which can be stressful - not knowing how I'll be mentally & physically.)

I could go - and not see my sister after

I could go to the picnic - but only 1-2 hrs. - & leave early - to see hubby for a short visit

I could not go and have a hubby visit at my mom's home alone (as my brother J. & Mom wouldn't be home)

Though these decisions seem easy enough – but when you have a Food Addiction ED - BingeaRexia as I would call it (Anorexia - with uncontrollable hunger urges to binge at times when I’m not starving myself) it's not that simple.

My decisions were only made connected to food - get a visit from my hubby (not sure how i'll be moodwise), but not picnic - so I could have him bring the chips I used to eat at movie nights that needed to be eaten up.

Get a very short visit from my hubby (not sure how I'll be moodwise), very short picnic - (possibly no yummy foods at picnic as too short time there) - but I could have him bring the chips I used to eat at movie nights that needed to be eaten up -

Go to picnic for whole time (get yummy foods) - visit with Sister C. (possible more unknown state I'll be in - possibly added stress)

Go to picnic for whole time (get yummy foods) - no visit with Sister C. - (less added stress)

My thoughts were oohhh - I want to have movie night foods on my own - but I want to get yummy foods at picnic - and best yet if I can have both - oh I know Hubby can bring that - sneaky hehe ;).

I could see sister after Picnic, but wasn't so sure if I'd be up for that or not – I had cancelled the day before already with sister.

When I talked to my Mom honestly all about this - I realized I was totally making my decisions based on Food.  Mom actually even helped me think through which one would matter Food Wise

I couldn't choose - as both would stress me like crazy if I did one or the other - of ooohhh what if I chose the wrong Food Decision.

(Yes I know I sound like an Extremely selfish person not even thinking of people & and I don't deny it, as my addiction was making my decisions for me)

But when I thought it through in a caring way - having a visit of just my hubby & I would be lovely - but it would only be worth it if and only if I could focus on him - which I couldn't promise I would be able to.

So I thought go to picnic - because my first thought - if I wasn't thinking of food was to actually possibly have fun there - and see my sister after as she wanted to see me - and I had asked her before and she wasn't available - and if I cancelled again it could be a bit for another visit - as it was unknown how long I would be staying at my Mom's place.

( I listened to Elohim (God’s) voice and I kept hearing Go to the Picnic) - But I still wanted what I wanted which was to get everything - food & people (but mainly food) - when I tried to sneakly ask about my chips to my hubby – though he figured me out - and wouldn't bring them to me - as he had seen my behaviour starting to getting worse before I went to my Mom's place.

Which was Starve for 1-2 days or more because of gut pains - Eat too much because extreme hunger came on - or I quite wanted certain yummy foods including chips in the past - I would end up eating 1 days worth often even more than that in one meal for myself - being very underweight you can only fit so much in ones body - but the more I did those things – the less I had control over them - so the binges came closer together at my Mom's - the starving would stay around - the cravings & addiction became sooooo much stronger.

I thought about cancelling on my sister and just seeing my hubby as well - and not go to the picnic - but I kept hearing (Go to the Picnic) - Though I heard it a bunch of times - I still wasn't sure if it was the right thing or not - as part of me wanting to go was the food addiction.

In the end I realized the best thing to do was to see my hubby on a weekend I would hopefully be more present for him and I could tell I wouldn't be - and I actually was making a non food wise decision, which was to have fun there - since it had been sooooo long since I just had fun out.

-And so I went.......

That morning I had been hugely struggling Mentally - not just with food obsessions - but my daily suicidalation, OCD, other obsessions, ED stuff, anxiety & depression, etc. negative stuff.

So I wasn't in a good state - also I had been starving the past 1 1/2 days - gut pain/starting to get more intense again (Ana. coming stronger) (binge/craving getter stronger - giving into that more/can't control hunger like before.)

Was thinking again not sure if I should go to Picnic - but really wanted yummy foods there

Again (I hear Go to picnic)

 

And so I made it to the picnic...

I went and I wasn't present at all (people were saying hi to me and I barley noticed them) I hardly smiled more than a little - I had this blank mood face from the outside - and I would do that little smile you do when you are down, and try to make it seem like you are fine - when I saw someone

 

And so I went into the Kitchen...

After my Mom dropped off the 2 types of squares she made - she mingled and I stayed

I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE IN THE KITCHEN as NOT HELPING WITH FOOD

(Turns out at the time it actually seemed fine with everyone that I was there)

Stay and pretend you want to cut up Mom's Squares

But on the inside - (all I could think of is food, food, food, food - but more so stress food questions

I most see every single food that's being put out - most see what every food is & most ask kitchen food church people what all these things are (food people ask me if I have sensitivities) in my head (not really😉 well actually the meat stuff questions were legit - as I didn't eat pork for religious reasons & wasn't up for beef) - mentioning mainly about Chicken/Turkey I could eat. - they think I'm Vegetarian or something.

Then I most see if there is plastic water bottles - then I most put desserts aside for myself - most seem like all these desserts are the ones I brought up – I cut up the desserts smaller for church people (but actually so I can make sure I GET SOME 😉.)

I'm totally zoned out - wow my body is just doing things - but not in a good way.

How am I just taking food - how am I just taking all this cheese - do I really want all this - hmm what did you say as someone asks me a question.

Food oh Food I need you - I want you!!!

 

So I asked all the food questions and meet an unknow lady...

I keep asking the same lady L. in a nice enough matter about Burgers where are the burgers, I thought there was supposed to be some with the hot dogs they put out? - I kept asking are there beef ones, chicken ones, etc. - She keeps pointing at the box (in my head- “I don't understand - oh I don't understand in terror THERE ARE NO CHICKEN BURGERS!!!!!”) - I answer umm what did you say? - She mentions these are plant based one (I was like hmm - breathe - I pray they are tasty - AS LIFE IS ONLY OKAY IF THEY ARE TASTY!!!! I CAN'T LIVE IF THEY AREN'T) - I said I'll try it and hopefully it'll taste alright.

-I asked about the rest of the lunch/dinner foods – so I knew what all they are.

They don't put food out for sometime - but none that I could eat until the Main meal stuff is a couple hrs later.

 

And so I wait... (I AM SOOOOOOOO HUNGRY says STOMACH - I say SHHHHHH) Still in a daze - I still can't wait, still can wait, still can't wait - walk around - can't sit - by myself - check kitchen - (repeat, repeat, repeat)

Most have all food at same time sooo I can do it all in one sitting so I can finally BREATHE and FEEL NORMAL

OH NO IT's BEING SPLIT UP!!!!!!!!!!

I'M SOOO HUNGRY - I WON'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE/CONTROL MY CRAVINGS IF THEY ARE SPLIT UP  - as very recently once I start Eating I suddenly couldn't control my hunger as it is ferocious - I would go on auto pilot and grab things without being able to Stop - as I was in an unknown -hands take everything- mind turned off - zoned out state.

 

I finally get my Burger - L. says Try a little -  I say Okay, wow this is better than I expected (I eat the rest with a ton of cheese and ketchup and white dinner rolls - as they didn't have any hamburger buns - First bite (Ooooooohhhhh FINALLLLY!!!! PRAISE THE LORD IT TASTES YUMMMY YAYSSSSS WOOOOHOOO!!!!😄😄😄😄😄 ) 2nd bite (OOOOOHHHH NOOO - REAL HUNGER) - heart pounding so fast - EXTREME MONSTER HUNGER sounds - EYES BUGGING OUT)

3rd bite (WANTED BURGERS FOR SO LONG -TOO GOOD - SHOCKED it was still so good with it being burnt & plant based - just tastes like a regular burger)

4th bite (OHH YESS - SOO GOOD & SO YUMMY  & OHHH NOO- BUT I WANT MORE!!!!!)

Zooned out games going on - not interested - people mingling and I’m not interest- people talking to me -  "I say hi" but not interested (in my head MOST GET 2ND BURGER!!!!!!)

L. is there again (I “wake up” for a second and think she seems nice🙂 & she doesn't seem to think I'm crazy with all my food questions – which calms a tiny bit.)

 

Getting 2nd Burger - even more cheese - even more ketchup (have Ketchup at table even though there are only 2 Ketchups for the whole Picnic) - get extra bun as not enough last time

Body starts to relax a little - but only for a moment.

 

So I get the Desserts...

MOST KNOW ALL THE DESSERTS REMINDER!!!!! (in head)

Zoned out again - I go to Kitchen - I look at all of them - oh I'll just cut up mine.

There's L.  - Hey L. - she sees me cutting up Mom's one's - did you want to try a little piece of them? She says Sure – she says they are both yummy,

Then I suddenly look at the other Desserts

OOOOH NOOO THEY ALL LOOK GOOD -  I CAN'T STOP - Brain Shut Down - Addiction Brain Start Up - dazed – I grab food I shouldn't, taking food I shouldn't

-still dazed - Start cutting up the Desserts - small and smaller, oh I made a mess, oh I made a mess - oh well, oh well, oh well - all in the containers they are in - doesn't actually matter as people are eating it, not watching art (which was true) But oh shoot it's breaking apart –

Still dazed eventually Mom comes by - she helps bring them out with other ladies including L.

I hide my desserts I kept for myself from the Kitchen - in covered plates and I bring it out to my table (first unknown "bad move")

 

It’s taking forever to find out more about other Desserts - thinking I'm fine, I leave my covered plate and I hide my little cheese I wanted from the Kitchen - in covered plates and I go outside and come back in (repeat, repeat, repeat)

I find L. - thinking to myself she's been so nice the whole time I've been here - I really like her and I really most get her number before I leave - Ask for her cell number- she gives it to me & she asks for my Mom's 2 square recipes - as she loves them.

 

I then look at covered Desserts (have a tiny bite - SOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITING -oh too sweet - tiny little bite EVEN MORE EXCITING!!!!) Covered up - SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED TO HAVE SOON - THEN ALL WILL BE COMPLETE AS ALL THE DESSERTS WILL BE TOGETHER😄😄😄😄😄😄 )  Then I can BREATHE and FEEL NORMAL

 

So then the losing things start.....

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!😮😞

(Looking at this you would think I just lost a person)

(Covered Plates Dessert gone)

Suddenly Awaken

 

In Terror - I ask with out screaming, but in a terrified state -  I ask Mom & L. - Did you see my Covered Dessert Plates) they try to help but I can't find them - I ask another lady - but I don't want to know I have a SERIOUS FOOD ADDICTION PROGBELM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I run to the Kitchen - look in the garbage for Covered Dessert Plates -Look in Fridge & Freezer - Grab Ice Cream Bar on Stick - Remembering I didn't have it the other week at the Food Bank I helped with.

Eat it not even knowing if someone saved it or not - someone asking if I am okay - did I need help looking for something? Currently - BRAIN IS GONE - IN TERROR STATE - COMMON SENSE & Rational Thoughts Gone - say the minimum of what I need to say - Been taking pictures off and on throughout the picnic. not totally realizing it - but realizing it -

 

I then Find out almost all the Desserts are Finished

In my head (SOMEHOW MY Covadented DESSERTS ARE GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIFE IS OVER!!!!) - Reality is I've lost control😞 

Mom & L. quickly find me still in Terror - Bring me what they have left and my Mom knew what I liked - but there were only 2 - out of likely 7 things I had specially saved for myself

(Start eating soo quickly -they got me so many desserts)

- those were probably supposed to be to take home and more (HAVE TO EAT, HAVE TO EAT, HAVE TO EAT - MOST FINSIH ALL OF IT, MOST FINISH ALL OF IT - STOMACH PAIN!!! MUST FINSIH ALL OF IT, STOMAH PAIN!!!!! MUST FINSIH ALLLL OOOOFFFF ITTT!!!!) SOOOOO THIRSTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDD WATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Drink 500ml within minutes or less

 

So I lose something again...

Brain Turned Off

Leave Plastic Water Bottle with my Straw in it (Unknown)

Run to Washroom - go (thinking I left it with me on the counter where you wash your hands) I can't find Plastic Water Bottle with my Straw in it (EVEN MORE TERROR!!!!!!!!!!) Asking little girl likely 6-8 yr.  Is that your water bottle? Yes she says - Are you Sure - you didn't throw out a straw in it?  She looks at me strangely - No - (I know I've lost it when I'm accusing a little girl of taking it) I say Okay to the girl.  Run Back to Table - Lots of Plastic Water Bottle - No Straws (in my mind - NOT MINE!!!!)  - By the way (all these are 1 time use plastic water bottles)

 

In TERROR - I find Mom asking her to look for mine - so she does.

I go back to the washroom looking where it could be (Then I Break DOWN AND SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!! CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAWLLLLLLLLLLLL!!! I CAN'T BREATHE I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Think of food in general - start to calm down a little - I hear Mom check in on me - I can tell she's annoyed at me

Pastor gets me 2 one time use Water Bottles.

I can BREATHE THANK THE LORD - Oh LORD THANK the LORD I can BREATHE

Straw never found.

 

What was really going on...

(EXTREME RULES) -

New Plastic Water Bottle (free) or Tap Water - I can Breathe - did not spend or waste money

As Mom's Home Jug Water Mom Buys (My Mindset I feel bad if I waste it – I can't throw out any amount as feel guilty)

Brought that water to Picnic in the Plastic Water Bottle with my straw in it so I knew which one is mine.)

TRAPPED!!!

Insane Food Behaviours

(Suicidal constantly - can't get through the day - looking for something to help me survive my gut issues - my mental issues with Food -

Looing for something to Calm Me - Something to bring me a moment of happiness)

But My Addiction is so Extreme & Craving are so Extreme - The Monster Wants More EACH TIME!!!!!!!

 

Asking God.....

I had never seen myself be sooooo bad around people, I had seen myself somewhat be that way by myself - but I couldn't even try to hide my behaviours at the picnic if I Tried.

WHY DID YOU HAVE ME COME TO THE PICNIC ELOHIM (GOD) WHEN ALL THIS HAPPENED - YOU KNOW I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBALEM - HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN - YES I KNOW I LET IT HAPPEN - BUT YOU SAID FOR ME TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (in my head)

 

I get home and remember I need to text L. the Recipes - then an earlier conversation I had forgot (she understood me the whole time and never judged me once about all the food stuff that went on that day – it almost seemed like she's experienced it or knew someone who did or maybe she had a sympathetic sole.)

But even more crazy - She said she wasn't planning on Going to the Picnic - But God Changed That!!!(REALITY HIT - I FELT AN INSTANT CONNECTION WITH HER)

I Desperately Needed Someone to Talk To - Even though at this Moment I don't know if She'll Be my Talk to Person - But I know my Elohim (God) brought me to her - because when I wrote this - I see L. so many times (God's keeping me safe).

 

Very interesting thing is her last text to L. was 12:34am, unknown to her how special the 12:34 times are to me and my hubby - Thank you Lord for that❤️.

Also with this being the168th post reminder- is pretty cool as that’s a special number for my hubby and I – which I think it's Elohim's way of saying - I got you and your hubby’s Back – and a reminder that I'm going to get you through these Brutal Trials❤️.

 

So though as you can tell from my writing that things got completely out of control with me, that Elohim still showed up in the end through a new friend L.  So don’t forget that Elohim can send a person for you when you need it.

Patricia <3  :)

 

Psalm 139:2-3    You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.

 

Here’s a song about asking different questions like Who are you God? and Where are God? As life is a lot harder than I had planned it to be, but even though we believe in You, we can’t help when things are so difficult to ask these different questions.  That you know in your heart even in those difficult times you were there and never looked away, but in the end we trust in you as a day of redemption is coming.

 

“Questions” by Steven Curtis Chapman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUHzw_KFKmI&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=89