Knock quickly and run away

On July 31, and August 1, 2023 I decided to write an important post on about how I continue to intensely struggle so much daily with making it through each day.  I know some foods can affect the mind, but it's more than that - it's the whole not having the will power/restraint to say No to myself - when I need to.

I don't know how to switch that when I'm so depressed and struggling - that I just do what "seems to make me feel better" even for the short time - but in the end at times don’t help.

I prayed - Oh my Elohim - I struggle so badly because of myself & I have no one else to blame. 

I tend to keep giving into myself as I don't see a way out of it/it seems like too much work. – How to stop all this when I have been Brainwashed & Programed to do the wrong things.

Lord I need You to somehow Reach Me & Help Me with You, to Take out the Virus & Bad Stuff in Me - so that I can be Deprogrammed of all that stuff & then Programed Properly with Your Truth to do the right things for You & Myself .  – So we can be Team Patricia & Elohim working together for Good.

Then later I ended up having a dream about my best friend R. where we somehow ended up on a relay 400m track and we were trying to run, and we end up falling over each other with the baton trying to give it to the other one - it was kinda crazy.

It's interesting I would dream about R. the same day I would later fill out the application and referrals for H.W. ED program, which R. had gone there in the past.

I was thinking to myself that you never know it could be a sign I'm supposed to go there as my best friend had gone there in the past to get help, but we'll see.

It's interesting that my Family Doctor was available suddenly for a phone call today, as well as him having me come in person tomorrow when my Mom happened to be available to drive me to the appointment, as it was out of town.

I found out that I wouldn’t be having an intake appointment with H.W. until Aug. 8, 2023 which was hard to hear, but the way things are falling into place - it's possible things will be ready not long after that if I was to go there.

Amazingly Mom said she would be willing to help pay for some of my treatment if it was sooner than later, as I really needed something now.

But as Mom said and I agree, whatever one comes up first is the one Elohim wants me to go to.

I don't feel like I'm doing a great job at trying to get help normally - as I tend to do a whole "knock quickly and run away."  As I know I need the help so I reach out for a second and knock quickly – and then when it comes I often get too scared for it, as to the running away.

But because I know I really need it- I wanted to at least, as the saying goes "get the ball rolling" that way it gives God options to try to help me.  So I said to my Elohim (God), Thank you Elohim for continuing to try to help me.

I was thinking whatever comes first originally - but more so whatever truly is the Right Fit and Place for me is where I want my Elohim to have me go as He know what’s the Best one is for me.

So I pray whatever treatment place I go to, that it really helps me work through all my ED, Food Stuff, Obsessions, Anxiety, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts and struggles, and past trauma so I can move on, let go, and be who I am supposed to be.

I then text my best friend R. about ED treatment possibilities and she mentioned

R. said:

"Wow. I will be praying. God will open the right door. This is a big and important step. Just lean fully into it. That's what made the difference for me. That For years, she fought the system, hid behaviors, cheated, knew she would lose the weight once she got out. Then when she got older, and something changed and she actually wanted to get better.  She went into treatment with a new goal. Fully absorbed all that they were teaching her and she Never looked back. She said That's the point that you are at! Our lives are half over -  and to spend the second half living in freedom! And to Choose life!!!”

 

I said:

"Oooh R. I'm still struggling with doing all those things I shouldn't, or just giving into the food to make myself feel better, as each day I feel in such terror of not wanting to be here.

But knowing I need to be."

 

I said:

"But I know clearly I need help, and I'm doing the whole knock quickly and run away, as I get too scared after to keep with it, but I still know I need it - so I give the options up to Him to get me there.  I want my mind to change from doing everything against myself to not get better - to doing everything to help myself get better"

 

"Each time I seem to go against that for the better - I feel such anxiety and resistance - I know there's so much brainwashed in the way I am - somehow there seems to be something deeper under it driving it - and the ED/food addiction seems to be distracting me from it."

 

"I do want wherever I go to work - I just don't know how I am going to get fully on board with it - but everyone keeps saying God will get me there, so somehow I need to let Him help me."

 

R. said:

"One thing I did that helped was to write out all of my dreams that I could only achieve in recovery. My future self. Then all the things that would happen if I didn't get better."

 

I said:

"That would be so good to find that freedom in the second half of life.  Maybe that running relay race with us I dreamed of that I had, with us falling over each other as we tried to get the baton from each other - and then I think I was supposed to run next.

  Maybe it's about getting up after falling down so much and then running towards Something with you were helping me cheering me on as you help see me get better."

 

"Hmm that's not a bad idea, about dreaming about what recovery would look like and how much it will benefit me and my loved ones.

 

"But I do know if I could just snap my Fingers and I was on that other side of recovery, my gut and body, and mentally better, connecting with Elohim, and people in my Life I'd take the now! But it's the in the meantime I really struggle with - so I tend to give up pretty easily- but somehow need to keep going."

 

R. said:

"Exactly. It's the race that's hard. But visualizing yourself at the finish line and having tangible goals is important or you have nothing to work toward. Your "why" needs to matter more than staying sick does.”

 

It was helpful just having R. give suggestions to me for wanting to keep going on the road to recovery as she has done that for herself sometimes ago, and has kept with it, which is such an inspiration, as I know it’s not an easy thing, especially in the beginning to keep trying, but I see as she was a beautiful family and life she’s always wanted, and she knew if she didn’t give up the ED that life wouldn’t be possible.

So I prayed to my Elohim, Thank You for my best friend R. as she’s such an amazing person, as well as the advice she gave me and also You my Elohim for never giving up on me.  Please help me while I wait to see where I will be going to, and to be brave enough to follow through with the treatment you choose for me.

So though it is scary I hope those that are out there to really accept the help you need when it comes for you.

Patricia   <3  :)

 

Psalm 54:4     Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life.

 

Here’s a song about after having a hard and dark Winter as one would say, and that Spring is coming, which shows hope and love from our Elohim (God) is coming for us with this new life He helps bring to us.

 

“Spring Is Coming” by Steven Curtis Chapman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bco4kmBHEKQ&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=93