So Much Deep Darkness

 

I decided to write an important post about My Gut pains and Mental State had been pretty Brutal the past few days, I did have some reprieve here and there, but it was still pretty strong.

Anyways after my hubby and I had Supper on May 16, 2023, I noticed my Gut was in Pretty Brutal Gut pain, and I was struggling somewhat Mentally.

We had ordered pills that we were hoping to help my Gut came to the house called, which was called Betaine.

It's supposed to help with adding stomach acid, which helps with digestion, which can help the Gut helping you relax.

  Anyways my hubby and I hoped for it to possibly give us some answers as to what's been going on with my Gut all these years.

So I noticed as I was mentioning my Gut was in Pretty Brutal Gut pain, and I was struggling somewhat Mentally before taking the pills.

At first it seemed like my Gut & Mind were turning even more intense after I took The 1st dose of Betaine.

But I noticed a couple hours later that my Gut started to Relax more - but oh my goodness it Brought on this Extremely Dark Mental State I couldn't escape 😞.

On a random note it's interesting when I first got sick in Sept. 2019 with my Gut stuff and Mental stuff we had tried the Betaine.

We only did it for a very short time as it seemed to set me off a bunch both Gut & Mental wise too much so we stopped it.

But all these years later we were thinking again, what if maybe this is a stomach acid issue I'm having – that's causing me all these pains from not being able to digest things properly. - As well as of course the extreme stress I put on myself.  So thought we’ve tried “everything” we thought no harm on trying something again to see if we could get more answers about my Gut Issues.

I noticed that my Gut went from pretty Brutal pains, to it relaxing to a more reasonable amount of pain.  I was even burping normal!!, which is a huge thing, as I've had very painful belching burps that come on their own since this Gut stuff started.

But on a scary note my Mental State dropped to a new low as I had mentioned about feeling this Extremely Dark Mental State I couldn't escape 😞.

I ended up talking to my loving hubby about this, how I felt this –  Extreme, Suffocating, Desperate, Dark and Heavy sensations and emotions.  It really made me want to not be here anymore - but I knew I couldn't do that for my sweet Nathan's sake.

I mentioned I could tell there was just so much darkness in me.

Then that reminded me of the episode of Heartland SE 11 Ep 10 called "Find a Balance" *spoiler alert*

When one of the main characters Tim, is in Mongolia trying to help out his daughter and Son-in-law for some horse stuff.  One of the local Mongolian guys helping with the horse stuff, felt that Tim was acting negatively, which the Mongolian guy connected that to a Shadow/darkness that was around him

It turns out Tim actually had an MRI that showed a shadow on part of his brain.

When the local Mongolian guy heard that he talked about needing to let go of that shadow/darkness in Tim’s life and to help find some light, which would bring balance there.

So back to what I was saying - when my Gut Relaxed more after taking the pill – My hubby and I saw that I had So Much Deep Darkness in me & that it seemed to be Stored in my Gut.

So it would seem that when my Gut was actually feeling not as bad, my Mental State went crazy down – as the Stress & Darkness in my mind doesn't just disappear - so since it seem to store a lot of those feelings in my Gut after it was relaxing it seemed to decide to go to my Mind.

And since the Gut & Mind are super connected - it badly affected my Mind tonight - which also what seemed to have happen back in Sept. 2019, when all this Gut pains/Mental Darkness Struggles got so much worse & I also made a Promise to My Husband & My Elohim back then that I wouldn't try take my life anymore – So would seem to all be connected that way.

Anyways I could tell, as did my husband, that it wasn't just my own darkness that was around of not wanting to be here, ED, Obsessiveness and what not going on - but that the enemy seemed to Super want me to go bye bye.

I felt so despondent and hopeless.  But as it went on.  I talked to my hubby and remembered what my Mom and Elohim (God) said, which was to remember to be thankful.

I was and am always thankful for my Husband, as he's always been there for me, especially these past 3 1/2+ yrs, which I have been badly struggling. 

Thinking and talking about that seemed to start help relax some of that darkness - as I focused on how much my amazing husband has done for me.  I asked my hubby, which I don't often as I focus on my struggles so much, which was "What I could do to help him <3."

And he sorta laughed - and he had me guess the answer – which was to actually try and focus on getting better.

I was also thinking and praying after that - and thought about the Heartland character Tim, that like him I need to let go of the darkness that's in me.  And in a lot of ways I can't fully do that when a lot of it is stored in my Gut.

So as much as it was Super overwhelming for the darkness to overwhelm me – I was glad Elohim's light kept showing through by both Him and my husband. 

So since I just started taking something that seems to help my Gut, I have to keep trying it, even thought seems to at times affect me Mentally.

As I just have to remember Elohim just wants this darkness out of me, like I do, as does my hubby, and to keep working through darkness connected to – struggling with my not wanting to be here thoughts, ED, Obsessiveness, and other things – and to also remember that it won't last forever.

I thanked my Elohim (God) for even with this very difficult night – I pray it continues to help keep me on track of getting better/getting rid of the So Much Deep Darkness that is in me to bring the healing that I so desperately need with you My Elohim.

As I know it will help my sweet hubby too as we are so connected as he feels my pain too – so Help him with that too.

So I know when the darkness comes on it’s so difficult to work through it, but when you get a chance to breathe remember for next time that being thankful for your loved ones will help you see the light more.  You are never alone as Elohim is also always there just waiting for you for reach out to Him <3.

Patricia  <3  :)

 

1 Chronicles 16:34    Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever!

 

Here’s a song about telling you how much you mean to others.  That even though you are faced down, that you as you pray, Yeshua (Jesus) will show you how incredible you are, as He humbly shows you what you are to Him.

 

“Face Down” by Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-qu1lqNHEc&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=72