Selfish/Obsessive/Dark Prison State (Counselling)

 

On May 23, 2023 I decided to write an important post, and I had my counselling session and I started off talking about my food obsessions and dark state.

I've noticed sometimes after I get a good amount of food in, that I can sometimes feel this automatic Tingly sensations in my head - that tends to drop my mood really deeply - and it often gets me into this dark place of - feeling trapped of - is this ever going to end - I don't want to be here.

I find it is super difficult for me to get myself to do much of anything in this dark mental struggle – and if I can – it's often my own obsessive stuff that I think and do.
I'll spend 12-24hrs of thinking and obsessing about food and other things etc. – it will consume my thoughts – I’ll be in a complete daze – as it completely distracts me.

Often in my obsessive state I will worry about what if I make a wrong decision about food or otherwise.  I know that Making a Decision can Relax me for a second. – and I’ll be able to breathe again – but then I obsess again about should I haven’t chosen a different decision than I did.

As all I want to do is perfectly figure out how to get all the foods I want in - but when I suddenly get full or hungry, is when I stress and worry about those decisions to eat or not to eat, as sometimes one decision can cause more pain, while the other may not, but there isn’t always the same outcome with my Gut pains messing things all up – which is quite frustrating.

So though I often give into the Obsessive thoughts – my counsellor helped me see that it is a distraction from the Deep Darkness that I feel inside of myself that I am trying to run away from.  It helps for a little bit – but it still gets me down a pathway I don’t want me be in.

I’ve noticed in that Really Obsessive and Dark Prison State – that I feel this selfish almost evilness of – I feel like I don't care for anyone else. In that state I seem to find that the only important thing for me is to only do what I need to do or get for myself.

So that even when my hubby says  "I love you" in that state and I know He does! There seems to be something telling me while I'm in that Selfish/Obsessive/Dark Prison State – that because I can’t seem to be able to feel that love in that moment – that it's like I believe I don't care or Love Him or even others.
My counsellor said this can put me in a state of isolation/like there's something between me and the people I love.

But when I'm feeling better - I know I Really Love him – and it’s incredible to see that my husband shows his love through helping me and saying he loves me sooooo much <3.
But it’s scary when I keep staying in this stuck place of – not only my own selfishness, but also not feeling for others.

In this Selfish/Obsessive/Dark Prison State - I think about my ED, as well as wanting to go away and they seem to be too important in the moment – when they really shouldn’t be.

I try to get out – as I don't want to stay in it, but I struggle to change it - so often what I do is go back to what trying to make myself feel comfortable, which is escaping through my ED and food thoughts.
So when I stop Obsessing for a second about things, which include food or otherwise, I find sometimes the Darkness can consume me - which is very much like a Prison for me.

In my Jail Cell Prison state of mine – I get cut off from others – I feel a lack of empathy for others – and the way I feel causes - the love that should be there not go through.  It makes me feel lonely and hopeless.

In this state – my counsellor was saying that it’s considered a very emotionally young selfish child age state - and not an Adult emotionally state.  As like a little child it’s always me me me me instead of as an adult you are able to look outside of yourself.

Back to the Self-sabotaging/destructive state I’ve talked about before – which can be connected to the selfish/obsessive/dark prison state - there is always something that's in me - or maybe something “Evil/bad” that’s pushing me to never want me to get better/healthy - which is scary when I feel that.

It's seems like often when I try to change something for the better in me – There's Extreme Resistance to it - like it has such a Massive hold on me – there’s also a chance that the enemy is  adding to that pain against me – scarring me into not wanting to change and making me feel bad about myself.

My counsellor had me picture what my Prison Cell was like.

I said that – Sometimes it's like there are Spikes that are going to hurt me – and I'm frantically running around trying to avoiding them - and I holding my breath – that would be my current anxiety self.
And when the Darkness comes on me – it consumes me as it’s just so dark – there's a Heaviness/Hopelessness that things will never get better.

When in the Prison/Selfish State my Anxious & Depressive thoughts and feelings are so strong that I hugely struggle to dismiss them.  I can get thoughts like - "you have to kill yourself" which my counsellor said though it may seem like it’s me – it’s likely an unclean spirit taunting me to push me towards doing that dark thing.

Other thoughts that can come up are "you can't give up the ED because it's the only thing that will help me get through Life – I know that’s the fearful/ED side talking to me – but an unclean spirit can take advantage of your fear to cause a person to give into something they might otherwise try to get away from.

My counsellor said that If you suspect that it’s an unclean spirit that’s making things worse for you -  
To say This is out loud to the unclean spirit

You are not Welcome in my Mind, Body & Spirit Leave this Person
And to Go back to Where you Belong
In Yeshua Ha Mashiach’s Name Be Gone
Then Ask for Yeshua (Jesus) & Elohim (God’s) Protection

and to Remember with – Yeshua & Elohim helped set the Captives free - even while there were in Prison – So you too can be set free from that Dark & Selfish State
And if there happens to be resistance from an Unclean Spirit and it’s not just your own struggles going on
To not listen to them & their excuses like they want "help" you – but it’s an evil help when they want to have you hurt or put yourself down – so to tell them it's your mind & body, spirit – and you don't need them!

So though often when you are in the Selfish/Obsessive/Dark Prison State it can seem like nothing matters besides yourself – and things are hopeless – that Elohim (God) is still there to help get you out – but you have to take a chance & fight against the enemy – as they won’t want to step down when it has a hold on you.  So give that trust over to Elohim as He can fight the enemy as He is stronger than them, and He just wants to bring you to that other side of Freedom with Him!

Patricia   <3   :)

 

Deuteronomy 3:22    You shall not fear them, for it is the Lord your God who fights for you.

 

Here’s a song about having a lot of pain, and wondering if things will every change, could something that was ever lost be found, but to know that Elohim (God) makes beautiful things, and to know that Hope is all around through Him.

 

“Beautiful Things” by Gungor

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OH7fsHze-Kk&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=74