Choose Life

 

I had been really struggling for sometime mentally more and more intensely.  I have to admit that I’m more of a person that tends to complain and talk about all the stress, anxieties, depression, obsessions, etc. instead of doing much about it.

Part might be because that’s the whole woman tend to like to talk, but the other part of it is, that I find it difficult to do much more about what’s going on, when I’ve been in such a struggle mentally and physically for quite some time.

Anyways on May 30, 2023 I decided to write an important post about when I was intensely struggling mentally of not wanting to be here.  It really was even more brutal than what I was already feeling, which is saying something.

I really was so extremely on edge of feeling like I'm done with life.  I felt that to my core of being so depressed that I didn’t have the energy/motivation to want to try to get better when I saw this huge mountain of work ahead of me. As well as feeling extreme terror of the unknown of not knowing what to do or how to do things.

That terror especially came up when it came to changing anything in my Extremely Rigid Routine of life.

It's scary that it took just having my Food Schedule that I Precisely figure out weeks in advance for myself would push me over the edge of not wanting to be here because a food item at a grocery store didn't have a product I needed in stock.

That meant I had to suddenly change what we were going to eat and I wasn’t prepared for that.

To say the least it really showed how small my world had become for me, when that could cause my life to crash in on me.

That really showed the whole thing about it's not about the food problem/issues/addiction/obsession or whatever.  It's actually more about not being able to face things or handle the unknown.

So after that crashed in on me for the next few days with terror and intense panic attacks.  I ended up breaking down and explaining to my hubby about why I had been more then my standard scared freak out stressed “crazy” state and how it had brought me to such a bad place and even more of me not wanting to be here.

This was almost too much for my husband.  He said that the decision of Choosing not to be here is always something that’s going to haunt you if you are on the fence of about life or death.  That you need to choose one side instead of always going back and forth with them.

It felt like I had chosen the death one in the end, but he reminded me that everyone wants to live - as Elohim's (God’s) breath of life is in them.

He reminded me even in this deep depression that I keep having, that Elohim (God) kept me alive for a reason.  It's true Elohim has kept me alive many times in my life and that I shouldn't be alive not only with my suicide attempts, but also with how badly my health got with my gut stuff, not to mention my eating disorder anorexia over the years.

Of course my hubby wants me to live, but he said that he couldn't force me to stay here either, especially if I continued to listen to the deceptive lies that the enemy said I thought were true, and agreed to listen to.

So my hubby asked me to Choose Life, and I was like, but I'm terrified of not knowing exactly what to do, as I said, if I had a step by step manual of how to get myself better I would totally follow it.

I was still freaking out so much, but all my sweet hubby was trying to do at the moment was to focus on the decision to Choose Life and start with that.

So my hubby said to keep reminding myself about that, as the stress comes up, that even if I don't know what to do, to remind myself all I need to worry about in that moment is that I Am Choosing Life.

He said that it's not a one day thing, it's an everyday thing, which I need to Keep Doing and Saying to myself that I Choose Life.

That way this would help show myself that it is the only Option for myself.  That way it could get that really strong hold the enemy and myself had on me of not wanting to be here off my back.

So it's interestingly Crazy that I broke one of my pants string and also my "Change" bracelet strings today.  I was feeling so stressed, as well as it seems like both of those strings were waring out.

And my hubby said to me when I mention that,  "Well you wanted to break the chains babes, guess that's coming ❤️."

I said to my hubby after that as we were messaging each other at that time "I desperately need to be free - but after being chained down for sooooo long I don't seem to know how to do or think of anything else Except to Eat

- as that’s what gave me comfort and a way to escape – as I tend to escape more when things got more difficult.

I already struggled do much when I wasn’t having a hard time – so when things were coming up I felt like escaping even more to make me feel better."

 

My hubby said,

"Ya but that will change as you change and choose ❤️."

I said

"I pray that really is the case❤️.”

 

I know it's for certain isn’t going to be easy, but at least I made a more firm choice today that I wanted to Choose Life instead of Death or a Living Death as I was living and I imagine a lot of others have been, as I know I'm likely to have more really intensely hard days, but at least I have a stronger reminder in my core telling me I am Choosing Life everyday.

I was reminded also by my hubby that what would help with keeping on with Choosing Life each day, was as I change and choose better choices for myself that will help make things easier. 

Since we’d moved I hadn’t gone to the local mission store. So I decided to look for a pair of used pants, since my pants strings were broken now.

And with my weight being way lower, I really needed to have something with draw strings, otherwise all my pants would fall down.

So going and looking for a new or used pair of pants doesn’t sound like much, but for someone that hasn’t bought new or used clothes in “forever”, it was something for me,

as I tended to keep wearing the same clothes until they aren’t useable, even if there’s holes or otherwise in them, which I’d normally patch it up, or have my mom do so 😉.

So it was a little change I did that day that was better for me, so that I found by later in the day I was able to enjoy a walk with my hubby, which was such an extreme difference from the beginning of the day.  I thanked Elohim for that.

I was even thankful to Elohim that though both my hubby and I were having a brutally difficult day yet again, that Elohim brought my hubby and I though a super dark time for me to see that in the end that in my heart I actually wanted to Choose Life.

Often what is happening is that the enemy puts so many lies when we are in our darkness that we believe that we can’t get away from our super dark feelings and sensations we are experiencing, but for the most part it’s about trying to escape that brutal struggle, not so much that we don’t actually not want to be here.

As I imagine that if things suddenly were in the best place one could be, that majority of the people that were originally in a suicidal place, would say yes yes yes, that’s what I want, just to be better!!

Sometimes Elohim puts us in an uncomfortable place or situation, so that it can help us make a more definitive decision towards wanting to change, ideally for the better.  So remember even in those dark times when the enemy is yelling at you, battling you, pushing you down, or even if it’s yourself that’s doing all those things as well, that Elohim can still breakthrough that place when you look at your heart of what He is trying to tell you.  That you are meant to be here, and you are loved.

Patricia   <3   :)

 

John 10:10     The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.  I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

 

Here’s a song about our Lord being Good, even if it feels like we aren’t good enough, and that He is our Love and Light in the darkness, and He is our Hope that covers our sins.  He is also our Peace when our Fear is crippling us.  He is our Joy, which makes us want to sing and praise Him.  With all that in everything that goes on, especially in those hard times that we run into His arms and it will be enough as nothing compares to His loving embrace for us.

 

“Forever Reign” by Hillsong

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVrW7sDuEaQ&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=76