When there is more to a freak out over little things

 

I felt this feeling of being out of control and extremely stressed out, which I felt this morning, being April 22, 2023, a day after my post about “Need to Keep Fighting”, as this morning I started worrying about things.

My stress, though was well meant of wanting to change things, and trying to help myself get better, would normally be a good thing to the average person, but it got me to feel like I was forcing myself to get better, instead of feeling like I really want to get better.

I know I’ve felt so stressed out for so long, which I found that connection to even before I was born - as I have always felt Super Stressed Out, which had made me want to kill myself - and I felt like I could never truly be myself growing up at home.  Because when you spoke up, cried, got upset, even get too happy etc. in my upbringing  - dad would get super mad or otherwise to me and my family.

When dad would get angry at me, my mom, my family, or other people, I would shut down and just want to curl up in a ball if I could, which if I couldn’t get to my bedroom I couldn’t, so I kept all those super struggles inside of myself.

My husband mentioned that it makes sense why I would want to curl up in a ball, as that’s what happens when you are in the womb, in the fetal position.

So because I've felt this Extreme Stress & Pressure since before I was born - and most of my life, it explains why - I have this - I want to not be here feeling so very often.

As there is I don’t want to be born in the first place - knowing I would be coming into this constant -Bomb Minefield I was about to be born into, which was connected to my dad.

It explains why I can't handle - any pressure & stress in most manners connected to physical, mental struggles - as I associate it with (pain, which is connected back to my constant stress state I am in - since the womb,

So it’s a kinda crazy/silly thing how having this freak out this morning be because I thought about changing my routine of when I was going to eat something – would actually help me see that a little thing as that change would actually have a bigger issue to it.

I was realizing that extreme pressure stress which I've felt since I was in my mother's womb or always in my life - explains my Extreme need to Control absolutely everything in my life - as I lost when I was in my childhood - connected to my dad.

There was a lot of terror going on with my mom and family while my mom was pregnant with me – so clearly I could feel that in the womb.

It explains how it can lead me down the pathway of thoughts of I didn’t want to be born into that, which would put me in the state of I don’t want to be here.

I know in my heart I just wanted to be born into a place that was safe/as well as live with a family/life that was a safe place to be.

But since it wasn't - then I could only trust myself and no one else to keep me "safe" which meant – for me to -escape/cope/people please/control everything, etc. - through different means like my ED, my obsessions, destructive punishing critical ways, etc.

But my incredible hubby reminded me that even in all that, I still need to Letting Go, as if you are trying to Control something so strongly ,you aren't going to be able To Control that Stress/thoughts and Behaviour that Goes with it.

Yes Change/life can be stressful - and that's okay – but you just have to keep dealing with it - and if you need to freak out/cry and get angry - then let yourself do that, if you want to be happy or chill or calm or excited that's okay too.

It’s about just being yourself - instead of trying to control yourself in your thoughts/behaviours and yourself.  It’s about learning to be okay with listening to your body when it's full to stop - or if it's hungry to eat - all to trust yourself to learn to not over do it.

It’s also learning to let go if you can't have what you want whether that's food, things in life or otherwise.

It’s also about accepting there are consequences to doing things maybe you shouldn't do, and that it can affect yourself and others, and that there can be stress from that.  But accepting who you are in the good and the bad is important.

So with all that in mind the next day on April 23, 2023, I decided that I’d let go of control little bit in my life in general, like my "Change" bracelet, to help myself help myself try to get better.

I want to keep doing that in different ways, with my ED, food stuffs, obsessions, being stubborn with things etc., so I can see in time a difference with myself.

An example of this was that today was that I actually had Breakfast, which I don’t normally have and I even did that without distracting myself with the phone.

Then later I even had a mini snack, which is something, as I am so strict about not eating between meals, so trying a mini snack I thought would be good for me to try a small change for myself.

I even changed the meal today that we were going to have for supper, which was Spaghetti instead of Rice, as it was better for my hubby and I that day.  I normally plan so far in advance our meals, so this was a big thing for me too,

So it’s good to remember that letting go can help bring that strong controlling stress down to a more reasonable manner, and that as you give that stress to our Elohim (God) He can help also make those intense times more reasonable.

Patricia  <3  :)

 

Deuteronomy 31:6    Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

 

Here’s another good song about longing for the Lord’s presence, and that’s your heart’s desire, as well as longing for the Lord’s Healing Touch.

 

“Presence” (My Heart’s Desire) by Newsboys

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXjd1aKKRQ0&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=60