The Defiant Child & The Critical Parent - Part 1 (Counselling)

 

I decided to write about my counselling from Apr. 10, 17, and Apr. 24, 2023 part 1.

The Defiant Child

On April 10, 2023 I mentioned to my counselor I feel this need to do what I want to do, instead of trying to do what I actually need to, apparently that's because my need for control comes out when I feel that if I get what I want, then it’ll make me feel better.

This can often cause me that when someone wants to get me to do something I get a lot of anxiety when I feel pressured from that and others, I almost always say “no” to everything, even if it's good for me.  It’s like I have a 2 years old that’s stayed with me, which I have noticed that’s the defiant/rebellious side of me.

If it felt led to do something on my own, even if it’s the same task someone else asked me, I would feel fine doing it, but once someone pressured me to do, forget it!

My counsellor said that it was my way of automatically resisting demands, by asserting my sense of Autonomy or trying to assert some control back in my life.  It makes sense as when your control is taken from you as a young child, as you get older and you understand what was going on, you try for the rest of your life to get control back into it.

So maybe an example of an ED isn’t the best way to go about getting control back in your life, but it is still none the less an effective way of being defiant and getting control at the same time

There is always a part of me that wants to do the right thing, but unfortunately when I am struggling more the other part of me turns into the defiant child as my counsellor would say.

At first I like the defiant child in me, as it connects with my ED a lot, and gets me the food I like, which at times can make me feel good and happy, but unfortunately it’s only temporary, because food can’t fix everything, and wanting to stay thin at the same time can have an opposite outcome to what I want to happen.  So then I end up feeling like I am losing control, and trying to hide things from others, and even myself, with how much I don’t like myself.

When things get worse and I give into the defiant child too much – I can get to the point of I want something and I don’t care what happens to me – as long as it makes me feel better/get what I want.

When I get to that point - I get super obsessed about craving for food, writing things down, needing to buy something, etc. so that it’s all I could think of.

So when I realize it’s take over control of my mind and body, I feel bad guilty about feeling out of control with giving into eating too much or too little, and other obsessions.  It gets me so selfish –  that I stop thinking of others even when I know it may hurt me.

 

The Critical Parent

Another part often shows up connected to the defiant child, is the critical parent.

The critical voice/parent is really hard/and gets after myself as well as the defiant child in me.

My counselor asked me how I felt about the critical parent.  I said that it's a part that is trying to discipline me.  There’s a part of me that thinks - if I get after myself or hurt myself enough - then maybe, I'll do the right thing, which sometimes works, but not all the time, and if gets me in a terrified state more often than not.

Before when I used to self-harm it was a release in the beginning to get out my extreme about stress and emotions out, but then at someone point I started to also use it, to reinforce "Disciplining" myself connected to my ED, or if I did something wrong.  So that meant if I gained weight - I would cut myself or if I got mad, I would also cut myself as a punishment.

Emotions have to come out somehow, and because I wouldn’t let my anger out, it would go inward.  So it became my way of getting my Anger out.  I told myself since I was a young girl that I couldn't get angry, as I didn't want to be like my dad, as I saw how it hurt people.
So it caused me to be okay with hurting myself, and not others.

So my counselor had me go back a memory of when I was a of 5 or 6 years old, and I was having trouble with Math.  My counselor aske me to tell Yeshua (Jesus) what it was like.

With myself being the critical parent, I told myself  “I am so stupid as I can’t get this math problem - and I am so angry with myself , and no one could dissuade myself from believing that wasn't true. 

Because even then as a little girl I trusted myself more even though I was mean to myself, as I felt I couldn’t listen to anyone else, not even my Elohim (God) – because I felt I couldn’t trust Him by leaving me with a mean dad – so why wouldn’t my hatred for myself not be true to, so I stopped listening to Elohim and others, even if they were trying to calm that critical parent in me it wouldn’t work, as my trust had been take away from me.  

This goes back to when my dad was yelling at my mom and my counsellor said to tell Yeshua how I felt:

I had hoped to defuse the situation, but it only made worse.  I was angry at what he is doing to my mom, but when I was trying to make it better, it would make my dad more angry at my Mom.

I wanted to protect mom - but there's nothing I could do about that, which caused me to Hate my Dad at one point.

I hated how Mean he could be with our family and others, and I understand it came from his upbringing, as both his parents were even more cruel to him and his siblings, but it was still hard to live with.

My counsellor helped me see that, I loved my Father, But I hated how mean he could be,
and that it was okay to be angry with the things my dad did, but that because I couldn't express that, as it made it worse – I ended up putting that anger and critical parent onto myself.

Unfortunately because I couldn't stand up against my dad and protect my mom, others or myself from him, my expression to get my anger out was taken away from me.  So that it stifled me, so that the only way I could - was to take that anger out on me.

So I've gotten stuck there, as I know getting angry at myself isn't okay, but it seems like it's the only way to get it out/take that intense stress away, to "make me feel better".

 

On April 17, 2023 I continued on more about The Critical Parent & the ED and Defiant Child in counselling

I'm sad/super stressed out - that I can't control - the patterns I set up as a child to find some control - example ED and getting the Food I want, which makes me feel better
- but now it's completely out of control.

For example I know I feel so Hungry - so go towards what I like - my Evening Snacks as I like the combinations of the different snack -  and though I shouldn’t be having those things I have it anyways even though the knew next day I’m likely to not sleep well, as well as be mentally and physically quite - I end up really hating who I've become - I hate the craving, obsessed, selfish me defiant child in me
Yet I loved it, because it gets me what I want - to feel Good - which is the yummy foods I crave.  But I look hangry - I feel desperate – I want to go against the defiant child, but its’ not working, so then suddenly the critical parents comes along and takes action.

The critical parent saying to the defiant child:
-WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU,
-WHY CAN'T YOU CONTROL YOUR CRAVINGS FOR FOOD,
- WHY CAN'T YOU STOP ALL YOUR DIFFERENT OBESSIONS AND RULES!!
- YOU ARE SO PATHETIC
- I HATE YOU (it's a feeling)
-WHY ARE YOU SO WEAK
-WHY DO YOU GIVE INTO EVERYTHING
-WHY CAN'T YOU RESTRICT YOURSELF
-WHY CAN'T YOU RESIST THINGS
-YOU DESEVE PAIN!!
-YOU ARE SO UGLY!!

(This is a manifestation of your childhood - this is the part of you that went from your own parent, and turned into your critical side of myself)

You say to the Critical Parent side:
-You sound really unhappy - and crazy stressing out and freaking out

(Critical voice talking)
I'm just so angry at her (the Defiant Child) and I said all things, because I just want her to Be in Control of yourself - and I feel if I just say these Mean things Enough that:
- Your Behaviour Will Get Better

(Critical voice talking)

I make you feel guilty with using the ED to Keep in Line to help with Your Goal of Getting Yummy Foods, without Feeling Guilty of gaining weight - which makes You Feel Fat, Ugly.

My counsellor asked, Was this Critical Voice trying to help you?

You might be surprised, but Yes it is trying to help me - but it's trying to do it in a Mean Way - As it's all it knows to help me – just like how my dad was to all of us in the family.

Say To the Critical voice:

-I know you are trying to help me.
but I am in the middle of trying to find healing and work through my ED, the Defiant Child, you the Critical Parent and Myself, but it's a constant Battle Between all those parts.

My counsellor mention that I can be an impartial side to my different parts, so that you can try to help reign in the Defiant Child, and yet have some compassion for the Critical Parents.

The last part of this counselling post is about Connecting the different parts together on April. 24, 2023 Part one.

It’s important that as we try to change for the better that we want is to Connect with the different parts that want to speak up inside of us.  So that we can understand and find reconciliation for the painful times that occurred.

Learning that the "bad/critical parts" are often not actually bad in their intentions - it's just misunderstood/warped.  That is because of the past that caused them to react that way because of the difficult childhood.

It may not feel like it, but I am the whole person within myself, so I can be part of the change, as I have access so all the different parts of myself. That means I can get involved and actually take actions, listen and work through part that need help with that.  So that I can hopefully change those sides of me, which I hope to in turn Change my whole self.

It's amazing how there is really so much that’s going on within ourselves that can make it more complicated to move on, when it’s not just I’m mad at myself, it’s also what’s behind that anger.

So though I know there’s a lot here I mention, it was worth working through and seeing that there is often something behind “a mean voice or person”.  With my counsellor and Elohim’s (God’s) help they helped me understand that there is love there, you just have to sometimes look a little harder to find it.

Patricia <3  :)

 

Proverbs 15:1   A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Here’s a song about when you feel like you’ve hit the bottom in life and the bottom has given away, and you’ve fallen into a darkness that no words can explain – Yeshua (Jesus) will meet you there <3.  It’s about Him being there in your hardest times <3.

 

“Jesus Will Meet You There” by Steven Curtis Chapman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uQ_0nTeLZs&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=61