Misinterpreting things

On April 25, 2023, I was trying to get my frustrations and Anger out by yelling  “this isn't fair!!” connected to my gut pains/life etc., as I was trying to get my frustrations out, when my husband happened to come by then.

It seemed like wanted me to stop yelling, and all I wanted to was get my anger out in a more healthy way.  As after that it seemed like he was getting after me, when I said those things.

I thought he was trying to get me to stop me from - Being Me.  When I just wanted to let that anger/despair - I don't want to be here out feelings out as I was feeling so trapped!

My husband was also saying that I Needed to stop doing all those self-destructive behaviours especially with the ED, as well as the obsessions like taking photos, documenting about etc., as it actually was making me even more stressed out than I need to be.

But unfortunately I misinterpreted what he saying – as he was actually trying to help me to see what I say to myself can have more of an affect on me more than I realize.  – That changing things is important – as he’s been so concerned for me and my health for sometime. 

But me being me, of course I got defensive, as I saw it as -You are forcing me to stop doing something from now on!, - But what he was trying to say it in a – loving concerning way.

But as I said earlier, I misinterpreted what he said, - and I of course in my usual negative ways felt hurt/controlled, which caused me as usual go in the opposite direction.

Me taking it the wrong way made me feel even more trapped - like I had just been feeling beforehand.  Then my thought was - if I can't even get my angry/despair feelings out with him around then where can I?!

He was just worried because I am often the - I don't take charge of my life type person, and didn’t want to lose me possibly because my health continued to go down hill.

I knew he wasn’t wrong, - as I do that all the time with my life, but he wanted me to Choose to Fight and Give Up all the things that are holding me back.

But in my insecure state, I saw it as him trying to take something away from me ☹.

Right after that I went and had a shower, and I felt even more trapped & I did something I haven’t done in a long time, which wasn’t good, which was I ended up hitting myself because - I felt even worse about the situation and thinking if I can't even get my anger out properly around my husband, or even in private - then how am I ever going to get better?! :O

Then after my shower – my hubby came by and said I love you <3, - and I couldn't even look at him as I knew I had hit myself.

I didn't realize he actually could hear myself hurting myself and in my tears, I was glad I told him what I had done, as hiding things only makes things worse in the long run.

My sweet hubby was explaining to me that he really doesn't want me to die from my poor health that I’ve had for sometime, and he was just so concerned that could possibly happen - so he was just being a little more harsh/straight forward about that – as he just wanted something to reach me to take things more seriously.

But as I said I ended up misinterpreting what he says, which I can often do - as I get quite defensive easily - and it often causes me to want to go the opposite direction in a defiant "I'll show you" - even if the response is by hurting myself, which is what happened -with the hitting myself after.

So I was seeing that my loving hubby was trying to help me – and that just wanted me to Fight for Myself & Not Keep Being the Victim and thinking - I'm not causing all this gut pain stuff - which means I can’t stop doing what I do to myself.  As though I actually can’t stop all my health stuff, I do still have control how I treat myself.

I was glad that my sweet hubby and I could talk it through after -as he was just feeling so helpless - and he admits that he feels all my pain too - and he just wanted me to make it stop and end, and for me to get better.

I think the enemy was trying to take advantage of a stressful situation for my husband & I, and to make it even more worse - which I can tell did happen with me misinterpreting my husband's intension - which caused me to hit/hurt myself after.

But even though things got out of hand, after we still knew that we still love each other - and the important thing is we just want me to get to the point where - I can let go of everything I am holding onto that’s hurting me and accept I need to fully change to get better- and that with Elohim's (God’s) help He can do that for me.

After when we were making lunch it was so cute that when my hubby was cracking the eggs it turned into what looked like a silly smiling happy face.

My sweet hubby and I laughed and smiled, as I think it was Elohim's way of trying to help us destress from this tense situation we had just had, which I know we both appreciated.

I am glad Nathan and I can always love each other no matter what happens.

So I Thanked my Elohim that though I know the enemy took this as a way to make things worse between my hubby and I, as well as make things worse for myself - that my Elohim still helped us work through things for the better.

 

--Then later after that Extremely Crazy Mentally struggling I had, my struggles came on again later on today 😞.—

And that's even after I was starting to do better after Working through the my hubby conversation earlier

I could tell that - Clearly the enemy was Super Duper going after me.

To try to help “cool things off” with me my husband later went for a walk, and  I could feel my anger coming up so strongly again. I said to my husband I was like “I am F.ing Tired of Starving!! - I'm hungry – And I don't care if I have gut pain I'm eating!! -I want to Let Go of this- F.ing ED!!

And Amazingly I actually felt Hungry later as I was able to have my full supper that night, and I was so even hungry enough to eat an Evening Snacks after that.

It just made me think - which I never do is that I don't always have the be this timid, “nice/compliant little girl” – which was expected me to be that way for everyone else from when I was born on.

That I can be that angry girl that once in a bluemoon swears - which I never did as I normally considered it wrong.

But there was a different part inside of me that would want to express that anger in that way.

–And I can see inside of me that part of me saying “woohoo!!” - which is something as normally that side of me that’s usual the angry part, generally isn’t a fan of me, and generally sees me as the Weak one.

But that part of me just wanted me to stand up for the different parts of myself & myself as a whole.

I know Most Definitely - the Enemy meant for Today to be a Take Patricia Down Day - But between my Strong Incredible Hubby and Elohim it's become a Help Patricia Stand and Fight - Even in an Angry Way Day.

So that silly Eggies Happy Face - comes to my mind again - and It reminders me - Today in all those Trials - has been a Good Day!

And so I Thank My Elohim for making me Stronger through it all.  So those out there that are super struggling, know that you are sooo much stronger than you think.  That yeah you need to take things seriously when things are really going wrong. 

But that you are allowed to get angry and frustrated, but to take that energy out in a safe way, and if it becomes to much to take that to Elohim (God) to work through with instead of causing yourself to hurt yourself, as Elohim does love us and so does our loved ones, and they all just want the best for you in the end <3.

Patricia  <3  :)

Ephesians 4:26-27    Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the enemy.

 

Here’s a song about when it seems like you are fighting for your life, and we lose our way, we get back up again, just keep getting back up, as you might be knocked down, but not out forever.  Then we call for Elohim’s (God’s) Love to get us back on our way.

 

“Get Back Up” by Tobymac

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyLnhn-IATk&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=63