Pearce the Heart

  I’m just prewarning that I am mentioning something that may be a little too much information, but it’s something I learned from, as to why I decided to write about it. So on April 27, 2023 I went out with my mother-in-law to return those crappy Organic Turkey Burgers that I had talked about in a previous post. When on a truly crazy note - I didn't even realize that after going #2 a bunch before we went out, that a little bit of my BM got on the floor, and that I unknowingly stepped in it and tracked it all around our bathroom. My husband had been out and came back and found it.   Understandably he was pretty upset, as was I, as I didn't even know until I got home that I had made a mess like that. I realized that's really bad for me - to be "So out of it" that I didn't even see those things.  I realized that mentally and physically that things are getting bad for me, that it’s turning my own fears up so much that I stop noticing things, which makes me...

On April 25, 2023, I was trying to get my frustrations and Anger out by yelling   “this isn't fair!!” connected to my gut pains/life etc., as I was trying to get my frustrations out, when my husband happened to come by then. It seemed like wanted me to stop yelling, and all I wanted to was get my anger out in a more healthy way.  As after that it seemed like he was getting after me, when I said those things. I thought he was trying to get me to stop me from - Being Me.  When I just wanted to let that anger/despair - I don't want to be here out feelings out as I was feeling so trapped! My husband was also saying that I Needed to stop doing all those self-destructive behaviours especially with the ED, as well as the obsessions like taking photos, documenting about etc., as it actually was making me even more stressed out than I need to be. But unfortunately I misinterpreted what he saying – as he was actually trying to help me to see what I say to myself can have mo...

  I decided to write more about the stress of being in my mother’s womb connected to my dad and the affect it seemed to have on me, which I talked about on my April 24, 2023 part 2 session.   This post is also connected to the and “When there is more to a freak out over little things” post I wrote a couple before this one. I mentioned to my counsellor that I am still I super struggle with Control and also with mental struggles that bring me down a lot. My counsellor asked me “When did I start feeling these Extreme Stress feeling?” While we were talking, I came to realize that I started to feel this before I was born. I mentioned that I didn't wanting to be Born into this World or exist because of the - intense stressful family/world that I was going to be born into – which means it would have started in my Mother’s Womb – as I would have already been feeling the stress from my Mom and what she felt and what was going around her – as well as what I was feeling inside fr...

  I decided to write about my counselling from Apr. 10, 17, and Apr. 24, 2023 part 1. The Defiant Child On April 10, 2023 I mentioned to my counselor I feel this need to do what I want to do, instead of trying to do what I actually need to, apparently that's because my need for control comes out when I feel that if I get what I want, then it’ll make me feel better. This can often cause me that when someone wants to get me to do something I get a lot of anxiety when I feel pressured from that and others, I almost always say “no” to everything, even if it's good for me.   It’s like I have a 2 years old that’s stayed with me , which I have noticed that’s the defiant/rebellious side of me. If it felt led to do something on my own, even if it’s the same task someone else asked me, I would feel fine doing it, but once someone pressured me to do, forget it! My counsellor said that it was my way of automatically resisting demands, by asserting my sense of Autonomy or trying ...

  I felt this feeling of being out of control and extremely stressed out, which I felt this morning, being April 22, 2023, a day after my post about “Need to Keep Fighting”, as this morning I started worrying about things. My stress, though was well meant of wanting to change things, and trying to help myself get better, would normally be a good thing to the average person, but it got me to feel like I was forcing myself to get better, instead of feeling like I really want to get better. I know I’ve felt so stressed out for so long, which I found that connection to even before I was born - as I have always felt Super Stressed Out, which had made me want to kill myself - and I felt like I could never truly be myself growing up at home.   Because when you spoke up, cried, got upset, even get too happy etc. in my upbringing   - dad would get super mad or otherwise to me and my family. When dad would get angry at me, my mom, my family, or other people, I would shut down...