What Destructive Coping Mechanism is Actually about (Counselling)

 

I wrote about my counselling session on Mar. 22, 2023.

Often as a child you don’t realize until you are older how difficult things were, as it’s all you know, and I can say that my childhood wasn’t the easiest one,

Though I also do know there were good times with my family, but I do remember being the most happy when I was outside, and also with my friends.

When my counsellor and I were talking about my mental struggles, and me feeling this constant stress inside of me, both in my body and my mind and how it pushes me to have this “I don’t want to be here feeling”.

He asked me “Is there ever a time in my life as a child I felt this.?”

And I had to admit that I had this as a teenager.  I think this is when I started to really realize what was going on at home.

That being constantly on eggshells for so many years finally had it’s impact on me, and I wanted to rebel against it, but I couldn’t seem to fight back against the person who was being so controlling and aggressive in my life or leave that place or situation if I wanted to.

I felt this constant pressure when being at home - I couldn't escape life - I hated it, because I felt like I couldn't breathe.  I felt so very trapped and locked in, with no freedom.  With all this very overwhelming feelings I was having in this chaotic controlling environment and no way to really express how I felt, I started to find ways to get that energy out.

As much as being out of the house was helpful, it wasn’t enough, and instead of trying to find encouraging ways to feel better and be able to “breathe” again.  I happened to fall into my first destructive coping mechanisms by chance.

I didn’t remember until recently, that I actually had my gut starting to hurt before I really got into my eating disorder.  I remember I had gut pains similar to the ones I’ve had these past 3 ½ years, but not as severe, but I did notice that as I ate less the gut pains became relaxed more, and I felt better.

The more I did that, it seemed the better I felt.

Later as the stress at home continued, and I continued to put stress on my body to eat less, I started to cut as way to release both of those stresses, and that made me feel better.  But then I couldn’t seem to stop controlling myself and my body, and feeling bad about what I was doing.

Eventually it changed so that I didn’t feel bad about hurting myself, as I all I could think about is that at least I was escaping both my home life stress, and my own mental struggles I was putting on myself.

Eventually when things continued to become so difficult at home, I started to think about not wanting to be here.  The pressure from my own life was getting out of the control, and all I wanted was to get that control back, but I couldn’t seem to, even with those destructive coping mechanisms I was finding so “helpful”.

I could only hold my thoughts off for so long, that when I was 14 year old, I tried to take my life for the first time, and unfortunately I tried many times after that.

It’s interesting because when I later gave my promise to Elohim (God) and my husband that I wouldn’t take my life again 3 ½ years ago, is also when I had the worst panic attack of my life happened at the time.  I do admit I’ve had a lot more since then.

My counsellor explained to me that all these destructive things that I was using and tried, were surprisingly not actually about wanting to kill and hurt myself.  But it was about me trying to escape extreme stress I was experiencing.  And even today it still seems to be there, but more so in my mind, as my home life with my hubby is very much a safer and loving one.

My counsellor explained that the “I don’t want to be here and take my life back when I first tried and now, and that it wasn’t me that actually want to go away, but it was an extreme unconscious controlling coping mechanism for the extreme state that I was in.

My counsellor said that wanting to take my life is the ultimate way to take back control.

As when your choices are gone, and you can’t seem to have the reality and life you want any more and the stress and pain doesn’t seem to be able to go away, then it can cause I person to take desperate measures to get that control back.

That’s when my counsellor explained that using all these destructive coping mechanisms the eating disorder, my cutting was a way to escape, and when those weren’t enough I tried the ultimate escape, which was to try to kill myself. 

This was all so that I could make myself feel better, and yet in the long run it caused me to feel worse, which truly is a viscus cycle of wanting to feel better, yet wanting to escape through hurting yourself.

With all this it seems all these destructive coping I used, it was actually about wanting to escape the Domineering Oppressing person and stressful times I had growing up.

Unfortunately those feeling, stresses, destructive coping mechanisms, and what you did stays in the mind and body even after you are out of that situation, as you haven’t dealt with it, so it stays there.

My counsellor explained it does actually explain my worst panic attack at the time, 3 ½ years ago, as when I made a promise to never taking my life again.  I was actually taking one less way to escape with off the able - taking that off the table, which would explain my panic attack, as it terrified and trapped me into a place where I couldn’t escape and cope again.  As I couldn’t “leave” the situation or place or myself in my mind if it became too much anymore.

My counsellor reminded me, and I remind those that are out there as well – that’s it’s not your fault that you fell into these destructive coping mechanisms.  It was a way of surviving such hard times.

Man do I ever know that, even though those difficult situations are behind you, when not dealt with, like it’s been for my whole life, it stays in your mind and body. 

So it’s so important, to get to the point where you can deal with them, so that they don’t have such a hold on you, and you don’t need to use these destructive mechanism to get through day to day life.

If for some reason you can’t seem to get there, it’s still important to let someone help you, even if you don’t want it.

Elohim (God) so loves you, and so many others, and the difficulties of life can be so painful, but you don’t need to be there forever.  I know the darkness of it, as I feel it on a daily basis, and though I still am not quite at the point where I can see the other side, I am still trying the best I can.  But I do know counselling and letting my Elohim guide me through this painful journey and process, should some day get me to the healing I’ve always wanted, and I hope others will find that too.

Patricia <3  :)

 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4   Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord and our Yeshua, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,

 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

 

Here’s a good song about praying many nights, and still believing that Miracle can happen when you Believe, even when hope is frail it’s hard to kill.  It’s hard to see – but when you believe and have the Faith in Elohim (God) then He will show you the way to that Miracle you need <3.

 

“When You Believe” by Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0i8Q_7s9XI&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=45