Not knowing how to 100% give up something

 

I decided to write about March 16-17, 2023.  My husband and I had a helpful chat recently about how him and I have been struggling to see my gut pains symptoms continuing to get worse, as it’s difficult for him and I to just see myself wasting away more and more again, and not to be able to do much about it.

With my gut pains being around these past 3 ½ years, my weight has gone up and down when it came to the severity of it. Though I haven’t fully gotten better during these 3 ½ years, there were times when, though there was still pain, there was a little respite, so that I got healthy enough that I could even run for a short time.

But with this happening for the third time with it going much more down hill yet again, and my gut and mental stuff getting a lot worse again.  It’s been scarry at times to see myself back in this more precarious situation again.

What’s been going on from an outsiders perspective might look I’m “pretending” to have this gut pain so I can indulge in my Anorexia more again, which has been with me for these past 25 years, though it’s been more in the back of my mind for sometime, than the forefront. 

And if you truly could experience the constant daily pain I’ve had these past 3 ½ years, it would be obvious that wasn’t the case.

Anyways I was saying to my hubby how that if I wasn't in so much gut pain regularly, then for me to actually want to give up and completely fight all of the Anorexia that is in my mind, it would be easier.

I know for sure I’m not like I was when I was a teenager, where I was “pro-anorexic”, as in I absolutely loved the Anorexia, and I would give into everything it wanted me to do, as it made me feel “so good”. Of course that was a lie, but I didn’t care.

I would try to find other people like me, and connect with them more, and find out more things I could get away with it. 

As I said I am not where I was as a teenager, as in, I really don’t like the gut pain that is causing me to not be able eat, or drink as much at times, and I don’t intentionally cause the pain, and I try not give into the anorexic behaviour when I can, though I can’t lie with all the struggles I’ve had with this, it can be hard at times.

But I do know if this had happened when I was a teenager and in my 20s, I for sure would have taken advantage of that pain, and likely wouldn’t be here right now.

At the same time I can’t deny there is still a part of me that likes and wants the Anorexia.

To some it may sound crazy, with all the physical and mental struggles I’ve had by the gut issues these past 3 ½ years, not to mention the 25 years I’ve struggled with my Anorexia, that there would still be a part of me that would still want it.

But you have to understand, for someone that has an addiction, especially one that you can never avoid, as you always have it eat and drink things, it is really difficult to get rid of.

For the most part it feels like it’s just something I have to manage, which I have been doing so for years, which is trying to keep it at the back of my mind, but the reality is, you can only do that for so long.

I am fortunate that I have not had any major complications from my Eating Disorder, as I know some people that have.  But when something is with you for most of your life, it’s something that’s just isn’t going to go away.

And with that my husband and I suspect part of my gut issues may be that the Anorexia doesn’t want to let me go, and it seems to be affecting my body, even though I didn’t mean for it to.

So when I think about it, with something as difficult as that is, it’s not likely I’ll get fully better on my own, both with my Anorexia and my gut issues.

I suspect some of my gut issues is the subconscious/very sneaky way of the Anorexia to get it’s way with causing me more gut pain, though I also suspect and can tell there are other things going on that’s separate from that, but I can tell the Anorexia is for sure not helping with that and making it worse.

So even though I do want Elohim’s (God’s) healing for my gut stuff and for that matter the Anorexia, Elohim won't heal someone that doesn't completely let things go and want to get better.

When I thought about that, and I talked to my husband about that, it scared me, as I just don't know how to get rid of it in my mind.

I said to my husband, with tears in my eyes, why can't Elohim (God) save me from this gut pain and mental struggles, when Elohim’s saved me on so many other times when I tried to take my life.

Connected to that, I actually gave a serious promise to Elohim and Nathan that I wouldn't try to take my life again 3 ½ years ago, which interestingly enough is also when my gut pains and really bad mental struggles started.  Though on hine-sight, they were around kinda earlier, but I just didn’t notice them as much, until they got worse in Sept. 2019 when both my physical and mental struggles became a daily thing.

Even though my physical and mental struggles have been very difficult, and at times I have wanted to take my life,  I actually haven't tried to take my life since then, which is really saying something, as I’ve felt pushed way more to the edge, then all the other times I tried before, and the last time I actually attempted was back in 2012.

I know for sure the difference is, that the promise kept me going.  Also I’m in a different frame of mind, in that though there are parts of me that doesn’t want to be here, there is actually parts that do.

As before I wasn’t the one to reach out before when I would try.  This time when it became too much, I finally accepted help when I needed it.  It was really scary, but when I was pushed beyond the edge of wanting to try again, though even with me being reluctant about it, I ended up going to the hospital for a short time to help me with that back in Mar. 2022.

In the past going to the hospital was “Thee” last thing I’d ever want to do, but I knew I couldn’t fight these difficult battles on my own, and though it was scary to be there at first, I was very much glad it helped me get out of that desperate danger zone mentally I was having back then.

I’ve definitely had super difficult days since then and possibly worse, but I’ve been more determined not letting it get that bad if I can. 

With all that in mind, my husband said something he saw something that I didn’t.  That though I haven't been trying to "kill myself" since that promise.

My body doesn't know the difference when it comes to the Anorexia, as the reality is, that the Anorexia's end goal is to starve to death.

And though I haven’t been intentionally trying to do that, that's basically what's been happening with me.  I’m trying my best to get through life, but with me having physical and mental pains everyday, it just becomes too much at times, so that when the physical pains became more, I had to started eating and drink a little less and less, so I could handle the amount of pain I had each day.

Unfortunately as much as I would be in a little less pain when I did that, things would eventually become harder and harder, so that at my worse, besides losing a bunch of weight, I can hardly eat or drink anything at times.

So as I said before, that I do want Elohim to heal me, but because there's still, even now, a part of me that’s holding onto the Eating Disorder, as yes for me there is still some amount of comfort in it, with having it for so long.  Getting it out of my mind and body, just seems so impossible.  So it appears this may be part of the reason why my Elohim hasn’t fully healed me just yet.

Obviously I don't want to die from the Anorexia or this Gut Pain, but I honestly don't know what it will take for me to get it to where I can 100% give up something like my Anorexia.

But at the same time I do know in my heart of hearts that I do want it gone, so my Elohim can truly heal me of my Anorexia, and any gut pain problems connected to that with me not getting better.

So my husband said I need to keep praying that Elohim helps show me the way to get there to where I want to fully change and have my Anorexia gone, as Elohim (God) knows what I need to get there.  And I believe Elohim will honour that, and will someday help me get there, as the saying goes “With God all things are possible”.

So in the meantime, I'll keep praying my Elohim gets me to where I need to be, to be ready for His full healing touch of my mind, body, and spirit, and current gut and mental struggles, by trying to continuing accept help to get better through my counselling and other things that will help get me there.

So I do understand for those that are out there, how unbelievable hard it is to give up your addictions, and destructive ways, even when you truly want to, but you have to be willing to let Elohim in and let Him work in you and show you the way to get to that point.

As I said I’ve been struggling with this for a really long time, so I feel your pain, but please even at your absolute worse of times, it’s still worth staying here, and trying, as Elohim promises to get you to that other beautiful side, and I believe, though I’m not there myself just yet, that it’ll be a place where you can finally breathe, and say “I am okay” and you’ll be able to thank Elohim (God) for helping you get there.

Patricia  <3    :)

 

Psalms 28:6-7   Praise be to the Lord, for He has heard my cry for mercy.  The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me.  My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him.

 

Here’s a song about things seem to be overwhelming, and a crazy life, and remember to “Just Breathe” and bring your worry and burdens to Elohim (God) so He can give Him His Shalom (Peace) to you.

 

“Breathe” by Johnny Diaz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnjeMwxFuBA&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=43