When Being Forced to get Help

 

Today I decided to write on February 22, 2023 of thoughts I had and I have mentioned in previous posts that accepting help isn’t an easy thing to do for someone that doesn’t trust others, and gets stuck in their self-destructive behaviours, as it feels like it will get you through the stresses and difficulties of life.

But it’s something that needs to happen to change.  If you try to do everything on your own, even with the best intentions, it will only get you so far, especially if you are still holding onto your old ways and baggage that is holding you down.

I have been in counselling before, for many years actually.  Growing up wasn’t easy, and our family was on occasion being forced to have family therapy, and it was never useful, as the main person that had and was causing the problems was controlling the therapy sessions, so nothing ever got done.

Then eventually when I was badly into my anorexia as a teen, I was forced again to get help for my eating disorder as it was bad enough I had to go to the hospital for it.  But it only got me physically temporarily better, but not mentally better.

And because it was against my will, I kept doing my anorexic behaviours there and actually I got worse with them both in the hospital and after, so after I just hid it better.  

These type of things happened over and over again for me.  I self-harmed and I also tried to take my life many times, and majority of the time no one was around when I was doing it.

But every so often someone would find out, and then again I was forced to get help when I didn’t want to.

Often when I was put in these situations I would completely shut myself down from everyone so that I wouldn’t talk about anything that was causing me to do such destructive behaviours, especially if I knew that I would be in therapy, treatment or the hospital long term.

As this continued on over the years, I learned that if I just gave them “what they want” I could get what I wanted, which was to be out of the therapy, hospital, etc. quicker. 

So I would just put on that happy face, and pretend everything was fine, and lie about what happened, or how I felt.  This would often work especially for short term things, but longer ones, was more difficult, as keeping up a façade isn’t easy, as your true self always seeps through whether you mean to or not.  So to say the least I was very much not a fan of getting help.

Now please realize that I’m not totally against people getting help even when they don’t want it.  I’m just painting a picture of what it can do to a person.  It can be a traumatic thing for the person even if and when it is necessary.

It can seem like a loved one is hurting the person that’s being forced into help.  It truly isn’t the case, but that person can often not see it that way.  I know for me, I had been controlled since I was born, and possibly even in the womb, so that when help was needed for me I didn’t want it, so it caused me to go against what my loved one was trying to do for me.

Having a person being controlled and forced in their life, can even cause them to go against themselves.  I know I have had that often, as it was a way of showing defiance against the person that hurt me and again what was going on, so that I felt like I was regaining some control.  It’s the whole “I’ll show them”.

The problem is if you do that too much, as I have, and so many others, then when you think you have regained your control, when often you end up losing even more control, because you can’t even stop your own destructive behaviours, that you thought was “helping you” or going against that person that hurt you.

Unfortunately all this can really mess you up, as when it’s time to really get help it’s not as easy as you think.  For some people they can be “gun ho” to start their race to recovery, but for others you can’t even make it to the starting line.

It is so hard for those that can’t make it to the starting line, as you can see it from afar, and you know that you want to finally get there and start, but your automatic don’t accept help from others, is so engrained that you can only partially get the help you need.

I can tell you that is where I have been for many, many, many years, and in some degree still am.  I have acknowledged that all those times I was forced to get help, that I did need it, as there are times I wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t have someone intervene.  So for sure that needed to happen, and it’s especially important to do in cases where the behaviours continue to get much worse.

But it did make it harder for me to fully accept help when I decided to try to get some help on my own.  As I mention I have had counselling for many years throughout my life.

And oddly enough there was a point when I was forced into therapy, I eventually found a counsellor that I trusted enough that I stayed with her for 8 years.

I didn’t open up for years, partly because I didn’t actually want to get better, and partly because I was scared to be so honest with someone.

But as the years went on, and I didn’t leave her as a client, and she didn’t give up on me and my stubbornness/trust issues, which helped to continue to break down the walls that I put up.  But for someone that was so stuck, unfortunately even with those 8 years of counselling it wasn’t enough for fully get me where I needed to go to get better.

So as the years continued to go on, and I was trying my best to get through life the best I could do, I always seemed to struggle whether I let someone help me, or I tried to help myself.

When my husband came into my life, my love for him was so strong, that I was willing to try to stop my self-destructive behaviours, so that it wouldn’t cause him pain to see the hurtful things I did to myself.  But as the years went by I couldn’t avoid those behaviours forever, as they were all surface things.

So finally strangely enough 8 years later, and with 3 ½ years of constant gut and mental pain.  I decided that I needed therapy again.  I broke down as I was trying to manage myself day after day, after day, after day, and even though I was trying not to intentionally hurt myself physically for myself, husband, loved ones, and my Elohim (God), I couldn’t stop doing so in my mind, as it had become automatic.

I have a different mind frame when going into therapy this time.  Not only is it my choice to get therapy, but I also see how much it will also help the people around me, that have loved me so long and just want me to find healing.

I was always one to hold back from everyone, even myself, so when I should have felt safe enough to say whatever I needed to say to a therapist, as he or she wouldn’t tell anyone else, I just couldn’t.

And though there is lots of me that still feels that way, I am finally at the starting line.  I’m not at the point where I was to sprint ahead to get to the finish line, but I have been watching for years of where I want to go.

So no I don’t know how I am going to finish, but I’m so much more willing now to be honest about how I feel, instead of saying what I think the therapist needs to hear.

Currently it’s Feb. 2023, and I’ve only had 2 sessions with my new counselor, but I know for sure that this is the right time for starting counselling again.  I feel that Elohim brought me to this point in my life, as I am finally willing to move from partially accepting help, to some day fully accepting help and healing.

I love that my counselor starts and ends each session with prayer, asking Elohim to guide us and be there, and have His protection as we talk through things.

Before I would never do that, as I didn’t even want Elohim’s help, as I was really angry at Him too, which is another story of itself, that even I haven’t talked and worked through yet with Elohim, but I am glad for now than ever before, that I went through all those times I had to get help, as it’s saved my life, which I know Elohim was a part of.

So for those that are out there, like me that have been forced to get help, have therapy, etc.  I see your pain, and so does Elohim and your loved ones out there.  I know you just want to fight everyone that wants to help you, as you feel so hurt.

But know it will be worth it in the end, when you make a choice to really get better for real for yourself.  I just pray especially for people that can’t get to that point easily to get better on there own, that something, or someone will help get them there, so they can finally face that being on your own isn’t the only way to life. 

Elohim will always be there waiting to bring you to who you are supposed to be, when you are willing to let go of that pain, and let in the love you need from Him, yourself and from your loved ones.

Patricia  <3   :)

 

Isaiah 30:19   People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more.  How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as He hears, He will answer you.

 

Here’s another straight forward song, but a Good one.  As Our God is an Awesome God!!

 

“Awesome God” by Michael W. Smith

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6glX2WXLi4&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=38