It Starts with Trusting Someone – part 2

 

This is the part 2 of Jan. 14, 2023 idea and post from “Following a Renowned Sovereign”.

I’m a type of person that keeps things in a lot.  I feel like I need to act, look and talk perfectly in front of others.  For that matter, even when I am by myself, which isn’t that often, I still find it hard to let things out.

I know part of that is that I think if I let things out, even on my own, I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle things.  The other part is that I feel like I have to hide myself from others as I often feel if they really saw how I look, think, and talk, that they would see the awful imperfections that I see in myself.

Deep down I kinda know that most people likely wouldn’t see myself in an awful way, but it’s hard to believe that, when you only seen yourself in a negative way for so long.

It’s amazing how there are unexpected places where you can suddenly let things out.  I was seeing an Osteopath to try to help me with my gut issues, and I was talking to him about how frustrating it has been dealing with my mental and physical issues for these past 3+ years and more. 

At one point I could feel those frustrations in me really come up, and my gut happened to also be hurting a bunch at the time.  I decided to try to stop them, but at one point I couldn’t keep those feelings in anymore, and I started to cry.  Oh I hated being so vulnerable in front of someone, and I said to my Osteopath “I’m sorry”.

But my Osteopath was so kind, as he always was, and said “Just let it out”.  I ended doing that a little bit, but not as much as I knew I should, but it did help to even do that.

Even though I had let a little out at my appointment, I was still holding a lot back in me.  I often try to handle my emotions and struggles on my own, which can sometimes work, but often in the end, I end up struggling more when I am trying not to be vulnerable.

Later that day, which was also a Friday, it was my hubby and I’s usual date night movie night day. 

My hubby had been super stressed from work that week, and I could tell my husband was really tense from it.  I was trying to keep that happy face on, but it wasn’t working, as I didn’t seem to be able to communicate something simple as how many chocolates I was going to leave in the box for another movie night.

I could see my hubby getting more irritated, and I tried more and more to explain about the number of chocolates there were, but it was like we were both speaking a different language.

So that in the end we started watching our movie in tense silence.

At one point we both apologized, and we realized that it wasn’t actually about the amount of chocolates there were left, that got us in a bad state, but it was our own stuff, our own anger and stresses of that day that was surfacing that was actually coming up.

We did end up making up and cuddling during the movie night, but there was still something deeper that I could tell that was going on in me that was holding back.

I couldn’t sleep much that night because of my gut and mental stresses, when at one point during the middle of the night, my hubby and I had another good talk.  It was connected to my post “Following a Renowned Sovern”.

I was realizing that I didn’t actually fully trust anyone, and I was thinking how does Elohim expect me to get better, and follow Him in every way like a devoted warrior, as King David did, and giving of ourselves completely in a loving passionate way.

I was angry, sad, and overwhelmed, as I was thinking is this struggle my hubby, me and so many others have are ever going to end.  How are we going to just let it out, when there is no one there if fully catch you.

I was thinking Elohim how do you expect me to follow you so devotedly, and go to you with my issues when I don’t feel like I can fully trust you.  There it was, I was being honest with my Elohim, and my hubby, that I didn’t fully trust Him, and I even realized I could even say that about my hubby too.

I had been hiding myself for so long, that I felt like trusting myself was just the only option. I found often when I did trust someone, I either would get hurt, or I’d feel so much fear to open myself up, that I would calm up, and I would keep trying to be the person that I thought everyone else wanted me to be, instead of showing my full imperfect self.

Oh it’s not likely my hubby and others haven’t seen me be myself in my struggles, and be vulnerable before, they have for sure, but there was always a part of me that held myself back, as I didn’t want to worry them.  Also I didn’t want to go really deep to how much fear that was in me, and that I really struggled to like myself.

So even though I kinda knew people around me could see those things, I still tried to put on that brave, happy face.

So back to the conversation I was having with my hubby and Elohim about trust, when I was in a, “I need something state”.  I said I don’t know how I’m going to get to that place Elohim where I can fully trust you.  That’s when He said to me “It starts with trusting someone”, and that’s when I realized He was talking about my “hubby bear” as I called him sometimes.

I think Elohim was trying to show me, that in learning how to fully trust someone, will in turn help me to fully trust Him.

I just loved that even though I have major trust issues, which included Elohim (God), that He would still want to try different ways to help me to connect and trust Him more, even through others, like my loving husband.

My sweet “hubby bear” has been there for me in so many ways over the years, and even though we had a tense moment that movie night evening, he was still so loving as he listened to me talk about my trust issues, and some of my daily struggles that were getting to me.

I ended up really crying, and getting a bunch of that stress out, as my hubby just rubbed my back as I cried on the bed.  By the time we got up in the morning we were both feeling better, and I could see some hope again, which got me to write these two posts.

Trust is a difficult thing to release from yourself, but at the same time, it can be a beautiful thing when both are giving and taking in a loving way.

I knew in my heart of hearts that I do trust my Elohim, hubby, and others, but I knew I also needed it to be more, which was to fully trust someone, instead of partially like I often do.

So as Elohim (God) was saying to me, if you can’t quite go to Me first with everything, then you still need to trust someone, to help you come back and fully trust Me.  I knew for me that’s my hubby.

I know that there may also be others that are on the other side of things, who fully trust Elohim (God), which is a great thing, but on the other hand they don't trust other people.  So for those people that are like that, I suggest focusing on Elohim to show you how He is also in other people.

No one is perfect, but there are still qualities of Elohim, like love, justice, fairness etc. that are out there in them, as He did create us, so ask Elohim (God) to show you that one person or people that is like Him out there for you, so they can also start to trust someone outside of Elohim.

I know it’s not an easy thing to do; to be honest, and vulnerable, and not do our people pleasing thing that we often do, but it’s worth it in the end, if it gets you closer to that relationship you not only need with that person you are trying to trust, but also helping you finding your way back to our Elohim.  Often He speaks, and shows Himself through others and things, especially when we have trouble finding Him in the first place.

Patricia  <3   :)

 

Psalm 9:10    Those who know your name trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

 

This is another oldie, but a goodie, of asking Elohim (God) to have the peace of God cover us, through the storms of life, and things seem so hopeless to have Him cover you – that you are safe in Him.

 

“Peace of God Cover Me” by Mark Condon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKb9uLwN4iw&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=31