Taking a Step

 

For some time now I generally write a post when I feel inspired to write one.  I don’t necessarily know when and if I’ll put it on my blog, but I think maybe someday it will become a future post that will help someone that is currently or has gone through the struggles I have.

Anyways I decided to write on December 4 -5, 2022, which I have mention for awhile, my gut and mental struggles have been a really difficult one for me, sure I’ve had the mental struggles most of my life, but these past almost 3 ½ years has been a really difficult one.

I can honestly say that these have been the hardest years of my life, which is saying something considering how my earlier years have been.

I’m just not a resilient as I used to be, when something is bashing you over the head day in and day out, you end up eventually accepting this is my life now and you often think I don’t want to live or care much about anything anymore.

At this point everything takes an extreme amount of energy, even just sending a text, or even having to stand up and walk over to the washroom is such a chore.

Eventually you get sucked into only doing the things that you can do, or like, and often those things have a chance of becoming addictions and obsessions, as they are the only things that seem to give you some relief and comfort.

I’ve suffered from an Eating Disorder, Anorexia for 25+ years now, and though I thought I was doing better with it after I got married, it didn’t completely go away.  It was always in my mind.  When my gut pains really showed up in Sept. 2019, I wasn’t giving into the Anorexia in the sense that I was trying to not eat, and lose weight, but I had to navigate how I ate because of the pain that was staying around if I ate or drank or even if I didn’t.

As my weight continued to drop ever so slowly, I was concerned, but there was also a little part of me that still said, well it makes you feel better to see the number drop even if you aren’t intentionally trying to make it drop.

Long story short my health became so bad because of my gut issues that I had to be hospitalized 2 years later in Sept. 2021.  This is something I’ll get into more at a later point when I have more time to write about it, as my Eating Disorder journey is not a straight forward one.

With me trying not to hurt myself intentionally these past almost 3 ½ years due to my daily gut and mental struggles, I’ve become extremely obsessive, especially about planning and doing things.

As I’ve said I had my Anorexia around for a long time, and though I’m not trying to indulge in it, my gut issues basically caused me to be in it, even if I don’t mean to, because I have to plan my whole life around it.

I can’t simple eat a meal, I often have to figure out which one to eat and drink a little more or a little less at, and if I over do it a little, it can cause me not be able to eat much for a day or more.

I’m trying my best to get in what I can, when I can, but at one point, it became so frustrating, that I would only look forward to the meals and food that I could eat.

From there I ended up non-stop obsessively planning in my head, for only a certain foods or desserts, and waiting, craving, and desperately feeling for and wanting those foods. 

Eventually I had it at times where I would have more of the yummy foods then I should, and it would cause me more pain again, but it was the only things that would help me get through these crazy gut and mental struggles each day.

So the vicious cycle got even worse, to the point that even when I was trying to do better about not thinking about those foods that made me feel better, it was on auto-piolet.

I ended up taking pictures as well, which at the time helped, as it helped me to see the progress I was doing connected to my life, food etc.  

Also it helped for when I would have memories or things to look back on.  I was also taking the pictures originally for when we were trying to figure out what food might hurt me or are possibly better for me, so that I would sometimes take them at each meal, or special things I felt I needed to take a picture of.

But when I tried to stop taking pictures, I could feel the stress come up, and just like when I wasn’t able to eat what I had pain stakeningly planned for hours, weeks and even months in advance, so I would super freakout if I couldn’t eat what I wanted after planning crazy in advance for it.

It was terrifying to see yourself change so much and get worse not just in your body, but also in your mind.  I wasn’t the same person I knew anymore from almost 3 ½ years ago.  I felt lost forever from there.

Then I had a day in early December 2022 when I ate a usual snack that I crave at times, that often causes my gut and mental state to be worse the next day, but I have it every so often, because it gives me a lot of comfort.

Anyways, I figured it would be the same, and I was actually getting more used to how I felt after, and I just figured I’d ride the super struggle train I often got from it, until the end of the day when I tended to feel better.

To my surprise it was different this time, I actually woke up and the next day in the morning and my gut and mental state wasn’t so extreme, it was actually reasonable.

It really made a difference that day, with my gut not being super ouchy, irritated and bloated, and my mental state being less intensely anxious, depressive, and obsessive, as it usual is every day.

  I was thinking to myself, Oh my goodness if I could have this every day with my gut and mental state, I know it would make a huge difference in my life and on getting better.

 So I decided to try more that day to keep my mental obsessions at bay, because I finally had capacity to do so for more than a moment.

 I know that's a big part of why I didn’t try to do my very best to try to get better with my gut and mental stuff as I rarely have a moment to relax in my mind and gut, as those pains are constantly connected to each other. 

I give into not trying my best, because I'm constantly struggling mentally with being extremely stressed out, anxious, depressed, obsessive, tired and overwhelmed, on top of having constant irritating uncomfortable gut pain.

As I said because of having a better gut and mental day, as things were finally more at bay, I could finally breathe, which helped me to try harder to do better again.  It helped me actually see that Taking a Step even when you may not know where the last step of full healing is, is still worth it, especially on your good days, as it shows you the direction you want to go.

I kept feeling like I had given up on ever getting better, and that I would always stay in that negative, and depressive state of mind, and body place.   But when I woke up that day, I felt like I could Take a Step forward again, and realize, that though it’s really difficult to see the end of it, and the journey will likely continue to be a difficult one, that it will be worth it in the end.

So I started that day by taking my hubby's advice and trying not to react negatively to each of sensations and struggles I have, and let Elohim (God) and I calm myself down, and refocus on the daily important things of my life.

I thanked my Elohim for a better gut and mental day, as I’ve desperately needed one, to see that I still wanted full healing, even though I know for sure it won’t be a perfect or easy journey to get there, and that I will likely have fall backs at times, but that it would still be worth it.

I would want to also remind myself and so many others that are struggling like I have been, that Elohim never forgets you, and continues to be there with you on your hardest days, and just as much on your better days. 

So let those better days be a reminder to you, for on your harder days, to help you continue to focus on that next important step or steps you need to take in this life, and as you do, Elohim can continue to help guide you to where you need to go.

Patricia <3   :)

 

Psalm 37:23-24     The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.

 

Here’s a song about Maybe It’s Ok if I’m not Ok, cause the one who holds the stars is holding my whole life.

“Maybe It’s Ok” by We Are Messengers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FhTqhWTqQs&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=29