Pushed to the Edge

 

I decided to write about August 15-16, 2022.  I always want to be 2000% past where I need to be when it comes to actually being better, but doing the work, when you are extremely depressed and anxious, is nearly impossible.  I have notice though, that since I've decided to do little changes, just little ones, that I am willing to actually put in a little more work to getting better.

Originally I was always trying to force myself to get better for everyone else, because I had to, and especially because I wanted to for my husband, and my Elohim (God), as I made a promise I wouldn’t do the ultimate hurting of myself by leaving them forever.

The problem was that I was not motivated to actually try to get better for real.  But somehow because I felt like I needed to do one little thing to help me get better a day, I ended up deciding to watch these therapy videos that my mother-in-law had suggest.  It was with this online company called “Therapy in a Nutshell.”  I ended up trying an Emotional Processing series, not knowing if it would help or not.

I just knew that I had been super struggling mentally for sometime, and that I had to do something, and I figured worse case it does nothing for me.

At first when I saw that it was 30 videos I was intimidated by it, as for me that’s a lot, but when I saw that the longest video was 20 minutes, I thought, well I can do a 20 minute video once a day.  As it turned out what Emma McAdam, who is the founder and therapist for Therapy in a Nutshell, was talking about in her videos were so spot on to what I needed to hear, that I ended up taking notes to what she was saying.  I never do that, at least not really since college.

Generally I find I don’t have the concentration or motivation to do something educational for very long, so 20 videos would normally be too much for me.

With me taking notes and really getting into what she was saying, I would often end up taking 1 to 2 hours, as I kept pausing, and writing down and rewatching what she said.

I really couldn’t believe how much it had helped even in a couple of days.  For awhile I was super struggling every time that I got up in the morning, often as the day went on, it would get better, but not always.  I noticed I actually had a couple days where my anxiety and depression wasn’t going through the roof.  I think focusing on it, and the hours just flying by helped, and also actually doing something to help myself, even a little thing was making the difference

As I was saying before, doing little things really can add up to doing big changes for the better, and I knew for sure that this was a good start.  It was finally giving me room to breathe, when I had been holding my breathe for way toooooo long.

I had been praying to my Elohim to help me to breathe, as it had been so extreme with my anxiety and depression, and I do know part of it was that I had to be willing to try and get better, but when you are so super sucked into the darkness, it’s extremely difficult to change that.

You really can't force a person to get better, and the scary thing is, that for some that are in a bad place and super stuck, that you can’t even force yourself to get better, even if deep down you may want to.  I would know, as I have been there for far too many years.

The sad thing is for some people like me, you have to get to the point of almost no return for you to turn around.  I say almost, because when there is no return, it’s means you aren’t here anymore, so there really is no turning around.  Not everyone has to get there, and I pray that most people don’t have to get to where I have and many others have been, but it’s like breaking a wild stallion, they are super strong willed and stubborn, and they won’t be easily broken to let go of their stubborn nature.

Yes I wanted to get better, but I saw no way it could happen, so I half cared, and I half didn't, so doing a real try felt too difficult, but when every freaken day you are desperately trying to stay here, and every freaken day, something is pushing you to edge to want to kill yourself, then you get to the point where you are willing to do almost anything, even when you don't think it will work, to stop that stress.

So here I am, and even though I am aways a way from being to the end of the finish line of the completely better side, I am at 51% instead of 50%, and I can honestly say I have never been there before, as I could only get myself to do half the work at the most to keep going and not even that at times, as often I was so overwhelmed and tired, I ended doing nothing or worse.

I even saw a video of a woman who was similar to me, with having gut issues and it caused her depression and anxiety for some time.  She realized later that she was some part of the problem as to why she wasn’t fully getting better.  She knew then that she had to take ownership of her life to do her best to fight to get better.  She really was an inspiration, and I knew I was part of the problem as to why I was still struggling so much, but I could never see a way out for me to get better, like she did, as I was super stuck.

But somehow these videos with “Therapy in a Nutshell”, I have been watching has opened me up.  I know that for some people these types of videos will work, but it doesn’t always for everyone.  One thing I do know though, is that Elohim (God) knows what's right for each person, and when it is the right timing for that person, that's where He starts working with you for the better. 

When you are finally willing to open up even a little bit, is what can make a difference.  I finally understand the whole meaning of Him only needing, A faith of a mustard seed to move mountains, because my goodness, I have had more than an Everest amount of mountains to move.

I can honestly say that I am not exactly where I should be with trying everything to get better, but at least I am starting somewhere, especially with the mental stuff.  I think I understand more than before, how things that I am holding onto may go away someday.

It's not just about trying to super force yourself to stop those self-destructive behaviours and thoughts, which so many places try to do, as forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do isn’t often helpful.  I find those places often don’t focus on what’s behind those destructive coping mechanisms and thoughts, which causes people to repeatedly come back to.

It's actually about you being willing to take those little chances and choices to want to try to live life.  It’s about trying just little changes to truly want to get better, and I think eventually in time, as you keep going in that direction, I imagine that you’ll get to the point where you won't need those things anymore, at least that's what I believe.

I don’t know when the day will be, but considering how insanely stubborn I am and how super down I am on myself, if I can get better some day, then anyone can.  I know it will have been because of my Elohim of where I got to, as He would have been the one guiding me towards freedom, as I imagine some day finally being open enough that He can guided me to His full freedom of love, life and peace.

Patricia <3   :)

 

John 1:5    The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

 

Here’s a song about when you can’t to sleep and you are struggling and if we were face to face to our Elohim (God) and what we would say to Him as we were praying – just putting it all out there how you really are – and don’t give up hope as He’ll be there for you, and remember to keep praying to Him and listen.

 

“The Words I Would Say” by Sidewalk Prophets

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t9u-LOa3OI&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=22