Passivity and Our Will

 

I was reading a book today being August 27, 2022 called Emotional Free by Grant Mullen M.D. and parts of Chapter 21 called “What Really Happened to Us” stood out to me.

This specific chapter was written by Kathryn Mullen his wife, from her perspective when they were going through struggles.

The first part of the chapter that really stood out to me, was about her being passive in life and in her marriage, and just letting things happen, which is so me.

I find most of my life I didn’t want to offend anyone, and I didn’t want to make trouble.  I wanted to please everyone that is around me.  Then as I became more depressed and anxious, even pleasing other people became harder for me to do.

I just found to get through life I starting doing the minimum, and stopped showing up to life, even though my body was still there.  I was always nice to people, but since it felt like it took so much energy for me to do much of anything, I didn’t initiate reaching out to people, as it meant I would have to respond back.

As I got more sick physically and became mentally stressed out, I found I wasn’t even trying to do everything I could to get better.  I continued to see my body get worse and worse from my gut issues, but I didn’t feel up to trying 100% of the things that I could do.

I didn’t totally realize until later that even though I was alive, I was experiencing a living death.  I had been passive for years, not super caring what happened to me, as I felt it only affected me, but the longer I got sick, the more I noticed it was affecting my husband.  This became harder and harder to see for both of us.

Kathryn mentions at one point about the whole thing about being in a dungeon, which you put yourself into with all the lies you believe.   You think that you are chained up and locked away, when actually you are free to go at any point.

Part of me always knew that I had put myself in my own prison, but even if I broke free of my chains, as I did at times in my life, there was still a steel bolted door that I could never get myself out of.

Kathryn mentioned she felt too weak to get out of her prison, and she wanted God to carry her out, and He said "No.", which quite surprised me to hear.

I think it's because God didn’t want it to be a quick fix to have her get better, as you don't learn or grow as much from that.

Yes she was asking for help, and God is always willing to help us, but not always in the ways we may want it to be.

I can understand the feeling of being too weak and wanting to be carried out of your prison, as I myself had kept fighting myself and slamming myself against the steel door, hoping it would eventually open, not realizing that in the corner of the room was the key to the locked door.

I think that God wants to help us become stronger, and really want us to want to live life, then just “throwing” us to the other side.  Even though we may believe that we have nothing left in us, is often the place where you can find your most strength, as if you have hit rock bottom and are still able to keep going, then you have nothing to lose as the saying goes.

As I read on in the chapter, I realized what I had just mentioned about hitting rock bottom was about that.  As it talked about the healing of our will.  It showed that when our will’s have been broken by ourselves or someone else’s, that we can often feel like giving up.

So when we pray to have our will’s healed of where we were first wounded, it will become easier to follow His ways.  When our will is against God’s will, then He can’t help us as much as He’d like to.

That wound that we have inside of us, holds us back from letting people help us, even Elohim (God).  We think if we do everything our way, it will keep us safe.  That it will keep us in control. As before for some people, like myself, your control was taken from you when you were younger, and often that was the case for many other since then, and often you have been trying to get it that control back since then.

For some people like myself, I believed if I was controlling everything in my life, that I would get my control back, and to a certain degree I did at first, but at the same time I ended up losing it again, because I lost that control again to myself.  This was because of all the fighting and all that will power I put against myself, which caused me to be passive, exhausted, anxious stressed out, and depressed.

Kathryn talked about that when we pray to God for our will’s to be healed where it is wounded, then it will be easier to follow His Will, and have Him strengthen us there.

Kathryn Mullen quoted herself saying,

"When I asked Him to heal my will, I became spiritually able to stand up and walk out of my prison."

So the key to get out of my prison was always there, as I was the one who put myself in that prison, as I thought I should be there.

I know more now that I am the one who put myself in my own prison, and I have stopped banging myself against the steel door at this point.  I have even realized that there is a key in the corner that I can use to get myself out of my prison, but I have to say that I am too scared to use it.

So as I cried out to God for help like Kathryn did, I felt God was trying to show us that, if we are willing to submit our will’s to Him, and help ourselves get up and turn to the right direction, that He will be there with open arms waiting for us, to really and truly help us.

He just wants us to make the choice to really and truly choose to want to get better and accept life, and not just a quick fix type of way, that we want to control.  I think when we can accept that, then I imagine taking the key from the corner and unlocking that steel door will become easier.

I have found the key, and I am still quite scared to use it, but this time I know more of what I need to do.  I have that key in the key hole of the steel door lock now, and when I am ready to let go, I’ll be able to turn the lock, and the door will open, and there I imagine I will find my Elohim.

I know Elohim didn’t leave me, He just wanted me to find the strength within myself, so I could stop accepting the lies that put me in my own prison in the first place.  I know it’s so hard to make those better choices when you have major depression, chronic anxiety, and chronic pain, but it’s worth it in the end.

I know not everyone may be 100% there, like me, on changing your will’s to His, but even getting the key in the locked door, is a lot of progress from where you first started, so remember that, and He will help you from there.

Patricia <3  :)

 

Psalm 139:23-24     Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!  And see if there be any grievous ways in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

 

Here’s a song about asking Elohim (God) to take you to where you haven’t been before and it’s hard to just keep going, but Faith is moving without knowing, and this time you are going to get through those hard times and stop giving into the fears – as you just want to make it in the end, and nothing can stop me when Elohim is there with you.

 

“Unbreakable” by Fireflight

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcWtn7FkwEg&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=24