Loving Your Enemy and Being Pulled Through the Storm 100thpost

 

I had hoped that my 100^th post would be a special one, and I didn’t have any idea as to what I’d want to write about, and often the ones that come to me unexpectedly are the ones that are frequently the most important for myself, and I believe for others to read.  I thought through for this post from Jul 8-23, 2022.

So on Fridays my lovely hubby and I always have our usual date night, by having movie night in with our different favourite chips, pop and chocolates.  Each week one of us gets to choose which movie we want to watch, but of course we always check with the other person if it works with them.

It was my week and I decided that we were going to watch the movie “The Help, which I had seen before and my hubby hadn’t.

At the very end of the movie, one of the main maid character’s, Aibileen, talked about needing to love your enemies, and that it can be hard.  She also mentioned that no one had asked her about how she felt about herself and the situations she went through originally, but when she was finally asked, she said how it felt for her, and that it freed her.

Even though I had seen it before, what she said really had an impression on me this time.  It really is crazy how you can hear something or see something a bunch of times, but when you need it, it finally reaches you.

So when I heard what Aibileen was talking about, I found that it really hit home for me more than I expected it would.

It made me think about myself and how I feel like I am the enemy in my life, and somehow I need to love that enemy inside of myself, and say really truly how that feels to be me and what I put myself through as seeing myself as the enemy.  I do believe that is where true freedom can start and be found.  As you express yourself and see what Elohim (God) feels about you, the truth can come through.

That’s when I realized this topic would become my 100^th post, which is about Loving Your Enemy and Being Pulled Through the Storm.

Oh it is not fun being me, woah is me, how about me, me, did I mention me?  Or maybe possibly things aren’t great with me, me me me me me.  So if you couldn’t tell I dwell a lot on myself ;).

I know that everyone has this, and that it’s harder than people realize to calm that voice in you, as it’s this constant child’s voice that is yelling for your attention.

There is this extreme selfishness that is shown in this state, and when it overpowers you, then it often takes over your life.  I can honestly say that I have had this many times, including in the past and present.

For me I tend to give into it as it comforts me to a certain degree, but the problem about giving into to it too much, is that it becomes a spoiled child and it wants more and more, and it doesn’t become satisfied with things it’s used to have, so then it tends to start seeking out more extreme ways to get want it wants.

That is something that I hated about myself, that I would give into that spoiled child over and over, all I wanted was to be fully in control of my life, but I found the only way to keep that child mind and voice inline was to control it.

I would get angry and frustrated at myself if I gave into the things that I wanted, unless I felt it was something that was necessary.  As time went on, even if it was necessary, if I felt it went against what I needed then I would get more upset with myself.

All I wanted was to be able to handle things, but I seemed to not be able to do that.  I stressed myself out by controlling my body, by punishing it when it wouldn’t cooperate.  By figuring out ways that I could try to make it perfect.

I became my own slave master, hurting myself at times when I didn’t do what I wanted myself to do.  I hated, as I would believe, that I had become so weak, and pathetic, and not being able to handle life’s stresses.

Yet so obviously to me, yet not, was that, I just wanted that stress I had known for so long, to stop, but I couldn’t seem to calm it anymore, as that child in me that was vying for my attention had now become withdrawn, sad, depressed, and extremely anxious. 

I had become a drill sergeant to this child inside me.

It wanted attention, and I ended up giving it the wrong attention, that one that tried to distract it, instead of giving it the love of listening to what was really going on inside.

When that child started to try to stand up and fight, it got pushed down sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many times.  It felt done, and it hated itself so much for the cruelty of this drill sergeant, yet there was this desperate need to keep it around as it had become so attached to it.

This child inside me some how still loved this drill sergeant that it lived with, but when it got really bad, it wanted to dig a hole and never come out of it.  At one point, the child inside was even willing to the have the sergeant go too far, so that it would put it out of it’s misery, and many times it almost did.

But somehow this child kept going everyday.  When things relaxed more, finally this child could breathe again, and for that matter the sergeant could too, but as the body was handling this intense stress, it didn’t react well, and it seemed to be stuck in this intense fearful state of mind that remembered the stress from the body’s childhood, as well as the stress it was put through from the storm between the two reacting to each other.

In the end there ends up being this intense internal struggle of love and hate.  The child is looking for love and wants it, and wants to accept it from others and itself, but the other part of the child and self, does not want to accept it at all.  It only sees all the mistakes, times it gave up, as well as gave into itself.

So here I am in my life, stuck in the middle of an internal hate and love constant stormy relationship.  Do I let the drill segreant win, as I want to be perfect, so I don’t have to be hurt by any else anymore, or do I bring the fight and go up against it.  Or even more surprisingly then that, do I love that drill sergeant, because as it turns out she’s been through even more struggles than the child realizes.

As much as we feel the hate for ourselves so much, there is still love that is there, and learning how to bring that love to the surface is the important part.

It for sure doesn’t come easily, and there is this constant storm and battle that is dragging me back and forth as they are trying to get me to choose sides.  Not realizing that there is someone out there that is way stronger, way more understanding, way more invested in helping me get to that loving side that I am so struggling to get to.

The middle sounds wonderful, as that’s where I have been lately, trying to push a little, but then falling backwards, or even doing nothing, but the stress won’t go away, if you stay in the middle too, which is the scary part I’ve felt these past few years.

Sometimes you need someone to come along you, so that you can get to that love side, and even more so, so that, that hate side starts to lessen, so that it doesn’t have such a hold on you, and someday it’s completely gone.  That someone is Elohim, as He has an endless amount love, fight, drive, and compassion for anyone that’s willing to reach out to Him and accept His help.

Letting go of that other destructive side is so difficult, but as you do that with Him, He can draw you out little by little, and even lots if you let Him that way.  I know it won’t be easy, and it’s continued to be a battled for me daily, but I know in my deepest of hearts, that Elohim (God) can be trusted to help me and others with that.

But you have to remember that, He can’t help you if you aren’t willing to accept the help, also something I struggle with daily, as often I don’t feel ready or willing to do so, even when I know I should, but the awesome thing is He never gives up, and always gives you another change for Him to help you, so remember to reach out for those opportunities that way He can help pull you out of that hole.

Patricia <3  :)

 

Zephaniah 3:17   The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.  He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.

 

Here’s a song about how Holy and Worthy is our Lord & Saviour.

“Be Unto Your Name” by Robin Mark

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5ED9g8Hi_U&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=19