The Drive to Want, compared to the Need to Push to be here

 

As I’ve said this in the past, I seem to so frequently figure out a post I want to write when I am running.  Hehe I should call this the running blog, instead of the Pearcetheheart.com blog, but then again I do want to get to the heart of things, so that works too ;).

Today being June 8, 2022 I was really struggling mentally in the middle of the night, thinking of things, which often ends up stressing me out.  I’ve noticed a lot lately, that often when I first wake up, or sometimes early in the morning, is when my anxiety, fears and depression tends to be the worst, and today was no exception.  Thankfully my running injury of my hip/spine pain has been doing so much better that I could run again.

So I was running with my hubby in the morning today, and at the beginning of our run together, I mentioned it’s become a morning daily thing, for my mental stress struggles to often come on again.  He was wondering where this was all coming from.  When I felt in my heart that the Drive to Want to be here, compared to the Need to Push to be here wasn’t there.

I was realizing that I just didn’t have this drive, or passion for life.  When I wake up in the morning, I don’t generally think, “Wow it’s another incredible day that I get to be alive”.  I usually wake up feeling the stress, often in my body, which then goes to my mind, or vise versa, and I am wondering how am I going to work through these struggles yet again today.

I found the Need to Push in life was more difficult for me with my struggles, which caused the Drive to Want to be here to go away.  I found in the deepest of my core, I just don’t want to be here.  There is this darkness, which I’ve mentioned before, that still stays in me, and each day it wants to overtake me, which it almost has at different times, which I’ll talk more about in another post.

Sometimes I don’t mind giving into it, but in the end I realize I can’t completely give into it, and that I still need to push.  With that I find that it reminds me of a car.  I seem to be stuck behind the car that is parked, and I am trying to push with all my might to get it to go.  There is a part of me that doesn’t understand why the car isn’t moving.  I keep trying and trying, and get so frustrated that it won’t move, or at most it’ll move a tiny bit.

I know that it’s better to push each day, then to stop all together and give up on getting the car to move, but as the days keep going, and things don’t seem to move, it becomes a challenge to just give in and decide to stop. 

I don’t seem to realize that all I have to do, is get into the driver’s seat, and the car will start moving, as I start up the car with the keys.  That the passion and drive for life, will easily coast through my vein each day with such a joy in my heart, when I really want it.

The question is how do you go from the need to push to get through each day, to the drive to want to be here everyday.  I know I don’t have all the answers, but it seems that finding those keys is the next important step from pushing the back of the car, to opening the car door, as the car isn’t going to budge or at least not much otherwise.

Since I don’t know where those keys are, then seeking out the one that does know is also important.  The only one who knows where those keys are is Elohim (God).  He just wants me to dig deep with Him so He can help me find what’s holding me back from remembering where I lost the keys in the first place.

Often when you have been pushing for so long, you forget that you even needed keys in the first place.  When you finally relax for a second from trying to push that car, you realize it had been so many years ago that you lost the keys, that you haven’t been the same person since then.

The stress of over pushing the car controls your every moment, thought and second.  You don’t want to stop pushing, because you are scared that if you do, then the car will be stuck forever.

With Elohim He can start digging through those deep holes you made so long ago in the dirt, and help you find the one that you dropped it in.  Whether it’s in the first hole you made, or the last one, it’s not going to be right on the surface, so as you dig through the dirt with Elohim, He can shine that bright light you need to find those keys again.

Taking that first step of leaving the car is no simple thing, but it is for sure necessary to get moving again, as otherwise you’ll never get anywhere.

So remember to let God take your hand, and help guide you where you need to search through the dirt for those keys to the car/life.

Patricia <3  :)

 

Psalm 119:105   Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.

 

Here’s a song about feeling like Elohim (God) is so far away, and it’s hard to praise him, and you don’t know where to start, but in the end even in the darkest times you will still Sing and Praise Him in your heart as you know He is there.

 

“I will Sing” by Don Moen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw9CcLGjouM&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=13