Darkness

 I decided today being Jun 9, 2022 that I would write about my darkness.

There is this darkness, which I’ve mentioned before, that still stays in me, and each day it wants to overtake me, which it almost has at different times.

When it was at its worst I could only see and feel the darkness, instead of the light.  I noticed it the most when I was a teenager.  It is possible it started earlier, but I find that you don’t really understand things until you become a teenager.  There is this naivete you have as a child that you don’t see the craziness that is around you.

I remember that, as I thought my family was normal, but it wasn’t until I was in my last year of elementary school did I start to notice that it wasn’t normal to not talk about your family to your friends, fellow students and teachers.  I thought it was normal to not be that close to your family.  I have 3 siblings, and I remember on a number of occasions that some people thought I was an only child, or at the most had one sibling.

It wasn’t that I didn’t care for my family, more so it was just how we were together.  As I started to grow up more, I started to realize that there were families out there that would spend lots of time together, and even like hanging out with each other regularly.

As I continued to understand what life was more and more like as a teenager, I started to realize that there were some things that I couldn’t change.  That type of stress really got to me. I mentioned before that I had trust issues, so that caused me not to talk to my loved ones in my life about how I was feeling.  I kept it in more and more.

People around me started to really notice a difference in me when I was teenager.  The happiness I had before seemed to drop out of me.  I stopped smiling, I felt angry and sad all the time.  I felt trapped and so very alone.  I tried to get through the days, but each day seemed to get more and more difficult.

At some point I started to lose hope that things would ever change.  Things that used to bring me joy, didn’t anymore.  I got annoyed if people around me laughed, as I didn’t think anything was funny anymore.

I tried using so many different coping mechanisms, mainly self-destructive ones, and they helped for a short time, but in the long run, even those weren’t enough.  I felt so much despair, and I only gave into the darkness, instead of reaching out for the light that was trying to peak in.

Since I wasn’t one to talk to my loved ones in my life how I felt, I ended up trying to take my life for the first time in my early teens.  I just thought it would help things, and for the people around me that I wouldn’t be here anymore, as things had become tense with everyone how I was, but all it did, was cause me to think about not wanting to be here even more after I tried.

I tried more times then I can count the rest of my teen and 20s, but for some reason every time I tried it never worked.

It was almost like someone was looking out for me.  The thing is, I know for certain that someone was, it was Elohim (God).  I was so angry that God wouldn’t let me die, I was in so much mental turmoil constantly, wouldn’t He want that all to stop?  Wouldn’t He want to give me peace?

The answer is Yes.   Yes He did want all my mental turmoil to stop and give me His Shalom, but not in that way.  The pain and anguish I felt wouldn’t stop, as it would keep going onto others.

As I got older I started to realize that all my anguish wasn’t for nothing, that what I was going through, could help others.  So I tried to push things aside, and ignore the darkness in me as best as I could, and for the most part that worked.

When my husband came into my life, oh wow it stirred up a lot of what I had been ignoring for years.  He was such a bright shinning sunlight in my life, I couldn’t stop smiling every time I thought, talked, and saw him.  He made my day everyday.  I knew Elohim (God) put Him in my life to help me out of my darkness, and so much more.  He was my Soupmate (soulmate), my best friend accidentally text me that while my future hubby and I were having soup, and it stuck.

You always want to share everything and be around with your Soupmate everywhere as it makes you feel so much better, but because there was such a contrast between my darkness and my hubby’s light, they classed, and my sadness, depression and anxiety started to show up more again.

After we got married it lessened, but it never went away, so I kept trying to focus on my hubby’s light, but I forgot to focus on the one that saved me all those times, my Elohim.

So at some point I couldn’t enjoy the things I loved again, like as I was a teenager, it was even becoming harder to focus on my hubby’s sunlight, as my darkness in me continued to restrain me in life.  It got to the point where I stopped seeing hope, I stopped seeing the amazingness of having a soupmate and more, and I felt him and so many other loved ones would be better off with my darkness being gone from their lives if I wasn’t here.

Thankfully even at my absolute worse my loved ones never gave up on me, and neither did my God.  The incredible thing is, that even though I felt like I had given up, I have never actually attempted suicide since my hubby came into my life, though I came very close to wanting to not that long ago.

I reached out so that I could get the help I needed, which got me to the hospital, but because I still haven’t dealt with my darkness, it is still around me.  It’s still very much a daily thing for me, but the difference is, I know that taking my life isn’t an option.  I don’t know when and how the darkness will get out of me someday, but I do know that the only one that can help with that is my Elohim.

If He didn’t care, He would have let me pass away all these years ago, but He keeps giving me the change to let go of my stubbornness, let go of my shame, guilt, anger, fears and so much more.  He has always wanted me to go to Him, so that He can take all those burdens from me, but the important thing is I need to be the one to want to accept His help, as He won’t force it on me when I don’t want it.

As I said it’s a working process for me, and so I keep praying the Light He Has, will wake me up to His full truth and Love for me.

God loves you in everything, so even though there is darkness around and for some in them, don’t give up as that light is always there to bring you out of it, when you let Him help you.

Patricia <3  :)

 

Psalm 107:13-14   Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them from their distress.  He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains.

 

Here’s a song about the battle belongs to the Lord for all those struggles you need to give it to Him so he can bring a Victory to you

 

“See a Victory”, which Mega Music Ministry copied

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuGSm6D3CKM&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=15