Hope

 

I have mentioned about having physical and mental struggles in the past posts, and it’s something that’s been an ongoing thing for a long time, even before the 3 years it started up.  I decided to write more about that today being May 14, 2022.

I started having obvious gut issues that would cause me to be in a lot of pain back in Sept. 2019, but that gut pain had slowly been creeping in even before that.  It had gotten so bad that I had to take time off work, and it restricted my eating, as every time I ate I would often feel super over the top bloated, nauseous, and a lot of gut pain.

I find it was easier to not eat much or drink much, and this went on for a few months, and understandably I lost a lot of weight quickly.  I improved for a little bit, so that I could eat a little more, gain a little weight, and go for walks, which helped me go back to work for a little bit.

Then Covid hit and understandably my boss couldn’t afford the people that worked at his café.  During this time my depression and anxiety got pretty bad.  Even though I had little bit of improvement in my physical body, it didn’t last too long.  Ever so slowly, my weight and gut issues got worse and worse.

I was losing a couple of pounds a week, occasionally more or less, which doesn’t sound like much, but when you are at a low weight, and even under weight to start with, that is a concern.  My mind started becoming very preoccupied with what I could and couldn’t eat, and I was trying to at least eat the foods/meals I liked.

Sometimes I would have to really push, because I knew if I didn’t, I would keep losing weight, but eventually even that became too difficult.  I became much more isolated, which is saying something when I’m an introvert to start with, by not returning texts, not going out, not doing anything that interested me anymore.

At some point I was able to go back to work for a month, but then my boss decided to close his café after 26 years in 2021, as he realized Covid wasn’t going anywhere, and he wanted to end on a good note.

I was touched that he let me work with him on his last day.  I loved working there with him, and I also loved the customers, so it was a hard day, but I was so glad I was able to work there and meet all those wonderful people for the four years that I was there.

Now that I knew for sure I couldn’t go back to work, my depression and gut issues got worse as I was back home again.  I did try to get out more often for walks as that helped, but I wasn’t the same person anymore, with my health issues, and mental issues taking such a toll on me.

I was losing all hope of things ever getting better.  At some point it got so bad that I was starting to get scared I might not make it physically or mentally by doing something sooner than later.

I ended up in the hospital a few times for both issues over the 3 years, as I got pretty close to those dangerous places, but thankfully it wasn’t the end for me.

One thing that was consistent throughout the whole time, though often I didn’t see it at the time, was that Elohim (God) was there.  When I was so depressed, and physically couldn’t go for long walks, I would sit stuck in one place for hours, as I had no motivation/depression and anxiety that caused me to get super stuck in my head non-stop.  This was bad as then I couldn’t force myself to do something to help myself.

Things seemed very bleak in those moments, when at some point Elohim helped remind me to write in my journal, which I used to do.  Wow I just pored my heart out there, and I could here and see Elohim encourage me while I wrote in my journal.  He reminded me that There would be a Victory in Him, and that the Battle was Won with Him.

It really helped me to see that I wasn’t alone in this insane mental and physical battle I had been going through for so long.

Recently as you know I have been able to go for runs again, which truly is a huge thing, as it’s the time that my mind is the clearest, the times when I feel most at peace, and connected with my Elohim.  To have that again is such a blessing.

Now I do have to say that my gut issues still haven’t been completely resolved, even with seeing so many doctors, trying so many medications, having scans done, and some in-patient hospitalizations over the years, but at least I’ve had some improvements, both physically and mentally.

It for sure has been a long journey, and it certainly isn’t over, and I don’t know when it will be, but I keep praying real healing will come for my mind, body and spirit.

I know deep down, that the only one who’s been there with me from the beginning, can heal me, that’s my Elohim.

Everything has it’s timing.  I’m not certain why I haven’t fully recovered, but I know someday I will with Him.  It’s such a struggle to give up all my burdens over to Him, which may be part of the reason I’m not totally better, as that means completely letting go of what I think I need to do, or want to do.

But hopefully some day I can, and that I can walk fully in His ways. 

That always reminds me of when I go for a walk on a sunny day, I can feel Elohim shinning down on me so brightly with His warmth, love, hope and peace with the sun.  I can’t help but smile when that happens.

Remember that in the hardest and longest difficult times, that Elohim (God) is still always there.  Reach out to Him, so He can bring the peace to you, and even when you can’t, He can always reach you, you just have to let him in.

Patricia <3  :)

 

Isaiah 40:31  but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

 

Here’s a song about hearing thoughts in your head and lie that you aren’t good enough, and it bring you so down and saying You Say I am Loved, Strong, I am Yours, etc. and remember to only believe what Elohim (God) says.

 

“You Say” by Lauren Daigle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIaT8Jl2zpI&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=4