Forgiveness

 

I decided to write about May 17, 2022 and something I saw on a TV show about forgiveness.

Stress is something I struggle with as I said in my Letting Go post.  It’s something that I haven’t been able to master.  I suspect part of that is the chronic anxiety and depression that I feel inside of myself.

I know so many people out there suffer from anxiety and depression, and that it pulls you down into this deep, dark, scary place.  It can feel so heavy, and it can also make you feel like you are suffocating, sometimes both if it’s at it’s worst.

There is often something that is causing/a reason behind these overwhelming feeling.  I know for me at times I’ve had intense body/gut sensations that feel the same as fear, that can bring me to an anxious/depressive state.  Also having long term physical and mental health issues can takes it’s toll when there doesn’t seem to be an end to it.

With all that, I can tell there is something that is deeper within, that is behind these issues.  I haven’t felt secure with myself for most of my life.  I struggle to feel that with others too.  It’s so easy for me to put myself down, as I see all my imperfections.

I hear, and feel my negative talk regularly, which makes it quite difficult to turn off.  It can often cause me to make bad decisions, as I frequently give into it, and can sometimes do things that make me feel better at the time, but after or later don’t.

When I feel the intensity of it so much, it’s so hard to ignore it.  I suspect that’s part of the problem, ignoring something won’t make it go away.  You have to deal with it at some point.

I’m the type of person who wants to avoid things that make me uncomfortable, which makes facing them that much more difficult.  I can tell there is a darkness in me that sucks my joy, love, happiness, and more in life.

Instead of cheering myself on, and saying “You can do it Patricia!!”, I often say to myself “What’s wrong with you!!, you can’t do anything!!”, or You are too scared, so do nothing and I believe those things.

But somehow I have to break that vicious cycle that has such a hold on me.  That’s when Elohim reminds me to breathe, that I will be okay, and remember to love and forgive myself.

I have been so very hard on myself for so long, for what I consider not being strong enough, not being perfect enough, not being who I am supposed to be.

I know there is more to it than that, but it’s in accepting God’s Love, and realizing He will always love us, that it’s a start to learning how to forgive myself for all the things I’ve done, said and more against myself.

I was watching the show “The Orville” when this idea came to me from the character Dr. Claire, she said at the very end of Season 2 Episode 9,   "There’s an old human custom called forgiveness. It too takes time. But it must have a beginning.”

This really hit me, as I've been really struggling for a long time with getting better and thinking about where to start and I feel like it was saying,

that it takes time, but a place to start to bring healing in my life and others and get better is to start with forgiving myself and others and go from there.

I know there may be a long road ahead of me, to fully getting better, but as I start to learn how to forgive myself and accept Elohim’s love more, I imagine that darkness inside of me will start to lessen, as Elohim’s light shines through me more.

It’s never easy struggling within yourself for so long or with others, but it’s worth working that out in the end with Him, as He can bring the peace, love, forgiveness and more we each need.

Patricia <3  :)

 

Colossians 3:13-14  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

 

Here’s a song about when things are getting desperate, and things are getting so overwhelming remember to Hold on to our Elohim (God).

 

“Hold on to Me” by Lauren Daigle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWua9o2KEv0&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=5