Letter to my self-harm part

 

Today is January 9, 2017 and I wrote a letter to my self-harm side of me about 2 years ago, and thought I’d share it as it was one of the things that helped me to stop hurting myself.  I found that as I read it again it’s helped me to see how far I’ve come, and I hope for those who self-harm or put themselves down know that it’s possible to get better.  Writing down how I had treated myself helped me to acknowledge that side of me and to get past it.  I hope those that are hurting can do that for themselves one day.  This is a longer post, but it’s worth the read.

Patricia <3 J

 

Here’s the letter to my self-harm part from January 2015.

You have hurt me more times than I can count.  The pain that you have caused me is unimaginable to others.  Most people wouldn’t do this to their worst enemy.  You treat me like a slave.  You withhold meals and cause me to starve until there is pain in my stomach.  If I should make a mistake or get frustrated or talk back in any way you punish me by self-harming to keep me inline.  You criticize me with anything that I do and tell me that there is no hope for me and that anything positive about myself is a lie.  Like a slave eventually you don’t even have to punish me as much as I have become conditioned to the standards of the pain that has come upon me.   I start to have automatic responses to hurt myself without anyone being around.  No one needs to punish myself anymore as I’ve accepted and believed that I deserve that pain as I have become accustomed to it.

Even when I try to leave you behind you still try to hold onto me and take me down.  You remind me that I am no good and that in punishing myself I will learn from the things that I have done wrong.  The longer I stay away from you the less of a hold you have on me, but when the stress comes up in my life you cling to me as if your life depended on it.  You feel like you never want to let me go.  You say that you are sorry for hurting me, that it was only for your own good to get through the hard times.   You tell me you will never hurt me again, but that is when you get me again.  In believing your lie you fool me into believing that you will never hurt me ever, but in reality, if I keep you in my life there is always a chance that you will hurt me again.

I know that you were originally just a little girl that was scared and is acting out from the true pains of the past.  Even though I was beside you the whole time you decided you wanted to pretend that I was the one who hurt you in the first place instead of the ones that hurt you before.  Maybe at first you were scared that if you spoke against me that I’d hit back, but you soon realized I wouldn’t do that.  You started to realize that the more you put me down the better it made you feel, so that eventually when you got the taste of being the one to hurt another person, being myself, you felt the power in that.

You started with simple things that I wouldn’t notice like commenting about my weight and size and then you caused me to be so stressed that my stomach would be too anxious to eat.  You got me then as you started to decrease the food that I would eat.  That would cause my stomach to shrink so that it would become painful to have a regular amount of food.  After that happened you increased the belittling of myself and my self-esteem so that I believed that I needed to be smaller to be acceptable.  You even caused me to believe that if I was invisible then everyone would like me better and not hurt me anymore. 

Once you figured out the self-harming part then you were hooked even more into the power of hurting another person.  You felt better as you got all your aggression out against those that had hurt you, and you continued to believe that I was the one causing you all the pain since I let the deep depression and sadness come in.  You even told me at some point that I had no reason to live and was a waste of space in this world.   Even when I started to really believe you were out of my life, you came back in, in another way, in another form of self-harm, as you knew that if you couldn’t hurt me one way, you’d find another way.  You hated me so much that you would do anything to get back at me for the pain you felt that I caused you.

The thing you don’t realize is that you have become just like those types of people that hurt others.  It’s true you may not hurt me the way others have, but in punishing me and taking away my self-worth you have become just as mean as them.

I have someone that loves and takes care of me now.  I even have someone far up that is looking out for me even when I don’t think that He is.  I have at times felt that He wasn’t around and didn’t care, but I realized afterwards that you had decided to control my life so that I couldn’t let anyone else help me or to talk to me. 

You have controlled me for many years, but I am not going to be your slave anymore.  From the beginning, you pretended to be my friend and a person to go to for decisions, how I feel, how I look, what to do with my life, and so on, but you always broke your promises that you would be kinder to me in the long run.  It would only last for a moment and only at your own convenience.

I am saying NO to you, I am standing up against you and saying NO to the pain that you have caused me.  I know now that you were never a friend of mine.  I get that you were hurt, but friends don’t hurt friends.  I have to say good bye to you so that I can leave my past in the past.  You’ve held onto me for too long, and you don’t have power over me anymore.

I want so much more than what you gave me.  All you did was hurt me.  You caused me to hide and try to run away from others, you were merciless to me when I came to you for help as you had no empathy for me.   You made me feel worthless and unloved and so very ugly.

After all this I have to say that you DON’T WIN, I know that you gave it all you got, but I am stronger than you and also I have someone that is way stronger than you and I combined looking out for me, so you better not try anything anymore because He’s by my side all the time and what you did to me will look like child’s play compared to what He could do to you.

Even in all that you have done, I don’t actually want to cause you pain.   I totally understand where it comes from as you were a hurt little girl, but I am not going to fall to your level.  I have always cared for others and that is something that you could never snuff out of me.  The only thing you did was cause me to stop caring for myself, which you may have felt was a smart move.   Now things are changing and you’ve helped me to learn how not to treat others.  You have helped me to sympathize even more for others that have gone through what I have gone through.  In some ways, I thank you for that.

I DON’T NEED YOU OR WANT YOU AROUND ANYMORE.  I am finally moving on with my life.  I can finally be the conqueror that I never imagined that I could be as you caused me to believe that I could never stand up against you.  Now I can, and I am not going back to your type of pain.  Pain is something that happens and it can be awful, but it doesn’t have to define you.  It is something that makes you stronger as you get past it.

I am beautiful, loved, smart, courageous, funny, good-looking, talented, fun to be with and so much more.  I will not accept your lies anymore, I thought I’d let you know how I really felt as I never did that before, and this is my last good-bye to you.

From the part that wants to live

 

Ephesians 6:16   In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one;

 

Here’s a song about that’s it’s been a long time since you felt peace in that valley you are not meant to be.  Remember to not believe that lies that are coming, and that our God will bring you home.  That wherever you are, or whatever you did, it’s the past and that isn’t the end of things as our Lord will meet you with arms open wide, and that is where you heart belongs.  Come run like the prodigal son.

 Remember that the places your weak, He is strong.  Always know that you deserve love, our God will protect you even when you feel lost and alone and He will call you home with Him.

 

“Prodigal”  by Sidewalk Prophets

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LJsgFN2OeA&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=169

 

Patricia <3 J