Imperfect Recovery

 

On August 1, 2016 I was thinking I have learned over the years that being perfect is not possible.  I know for most of my life I would strive for perfection and I would often fall below it.  I didn’t want to make any mistakes and I wanted to be able to pickup on things quickly that were new to me.  The problem about that is that my standards for myself were too high.  I would put myself down when I couldn’t get a math problem or if I couldn’t understand something that I was reading.  I’d even get mad at myself when people around me would fight with each other as I thought that if I had only been quieter or more compliant they would have stopped fighting.

A few years ago when I was trying to stop cutting myself I found that I wasn’t able to go more than a few days.  Eventually after going home from Mercy I went five days without self-harming.  I was so proud of myself, and I let the Mercy staff know how well I was doing.  I found at first that counting the exact number of days I went without hurting myself was quite helpful.  When I told other people, they encouraged me to continue to keep trying to get better.  At one point I remember one of the staff telling me that as much as it was great to know the exact day since I last hurt myself, it would be even better for me when I can get to the point where I can’t even remember when I last self-harmed.

At first I didn’t understand what she was talking about.  I thought if I was perfect in my recovery of my self-harming then I could truly say that I was past it for good.  I was pumping myself up when I got to 100 days and even more as many more months went by.  When I finally surpassed the one year make of not self-harming I thought I would never hurt myself again.  I got so confident in being perfect in my recovery that it was only a few months later I ended up self-harming again.

I can tell you that was a huge blow to my ego.  I’m not one to normally think overly high of myself, but when I cut myself again after a little more than a year I felt like I had let myself down.  I felt so disappointed in myself.  I had become obsessed about being perfect in my recovery.  One might think that is a good thing, but the reality is that whether it’s for a good cause or not, having a perfection mindset will always bring you down.  I ended up self-harming even more after starting up again as I felt so mad at myself for doing it again.  It became a vicious cycle of trying to be perfect in recovery and getting really upset with myself when I couldn’t uphold that standard.

My friends and family understood that mistakes happen, but I didn’t want to accept that.  I felt like all that I had done went down the drain as I was back to day zero of recovery.  That’s when I started to remember about what one of my Mercy staff told me about not focusing on the exact day I last self-harmed.  I decided that I’d try that.  I intentionally didn’t write down anywhere in my room or in my diary or any where else when I last self-harmed.  At some point more than a month went by and I honestly couldn’t remember when I last cut myself.  It actually felt amazing as I could finally relax about not being perfect.  I realized when I accepted being an imperfect person that I could actually really be in recovery. 

Before then my self-harming still had control over me even when I wasn’t doing it, as I continued to use obsessive behaviour by counting off the exact number of days from when I had stopped cutting.  Don’t get me wrong – remembering how long you have been in recovery of something isn’t the problem; it’s when it takes control of your life is when it’s a problem.  I know that God was helping me to see that He doesn’t want me to be obsessively perfect.  He only wanted me to rely on Him more when things came up instead of relying only on myself.

I can honestly say that I don’t know when I last cut myself.  I know it’s been approximately a year and a half and not knowing the exact day is good enough with me.  Actually, the really cool thing is that it’s been so long, that I hadn’t even noticed that I surpassed my longest time without self-harming and that makes me happy because now I know for sure it doesn’t have control over me anymore. That’s an awesome place to be.

Patricia <3 J

 

Isaiah 43:18-19     Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

 

Here’s a song about someone who is struggling and fighting in life and they haven’t prayed for so long, but realized they needed to pray, so they prayed Lord I need a miracle.  That there will come a time when everyone can’t do this life all on your own, and in your desperations you’ll pray Lord I need a miracle.

 

“I Need A Miracle” by Third Day

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVuK_eos8dM&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=145