Self-Harm

 


On June 3, 2016 I decided to write about self-harm.  Most people do not understand how someone could intentionally hurt themselves, as that means that they are causing themselves pain.  I find that people that have resorted to self-harm usually do not automatically choose that as their first coping mechanism.  It is often something that they fell into when life continues to become more difficult.

I understand this as I first started self-harming when I was a teenager and did not stop until my late 20s.  If someone had told me when I was 11 years old that at 13 years old, I’d be cutting myself, I wouldn’t believe them.  Logically I would think why would anyone want to harm themselves as it’s painful.  By the time I started I wasn’t thinking logically about the physical pain anymore.

At the age of 13 I was in a lot of emotional pain.  My eating disorder had already started a year before and I still wasn’t coping enough to get through the day.  So when I first started self-harming I thought it would make things better.  In reality it didn’t.  It ended up taking control over me very quickly.  I was like a druggie looking for my next fix, except the drug was to harm myself.  I did feel the pain when I was hurting myself at first at lot, but overtime I became numb to it. 

I felt that I would rather control the pain I had in my life, then to let it control me.  The only thing was I didn’t realize how addicting it would become.  I thought that I could stop hurting myself at anytime, but I couldn’t.  At first I didn’t care about the scars I was accumulating on my skin as it showed the pain I had on the inside.  As time went on I got to the point that I was ashamed of them and even hated them.  One might think that would be enough to stop a person from self-harming, but it wasn’t that easy.

I was using my self-harming so much to cope that I couldn’t go a day without doing it.  I often became overwhelmed and super anxious if I didn’t self-harm and after I did for a moment I would feel relieved and relaxed.

I knew though deep down inside self-harming was only making things worse.  I wasn’t letting myself feel anything, and that included happiness.  I was so afraid to feel any emotions that I tried to make them disappear.

Eventually I realized I couldn’t keep going on like this, so I applied to a Christian residential program.  I didn’t get in for quite awhile, but in the meantime I saw a Christian counselor.  I think God knew where my heart was.  He knew I wasn’t quite ready to change for the better when I first applied which explains why it took me awhile to finally get into the program.  I needed to work on myself a bit more so that when I was ready to go I’d want to get better for myself, and not just for others.

The Christian residential program was the first step in getting past my self-harming.  After I got home I began to sense God’s presence more and He helped me to stop self-harming.  I could go to Him and to others when I felt the need to hurt myself.  When I couldn’t go to anyone I had other positive coping mechanisms like listening to music, going for a walk, writing, and so on.  I can tell you that after I decided to stop self-harming it wasn’t easy.  I continued to feel the temptation to hurt myself and I do have to admit I did give into those temptations occasionally.  I felt really bad about that as I was really trying to get better.

God never got after me about that as He knew I was trying to change my life around.  We all fall down and stumble at times, and there is no shame in that.  I eventually realized that and stopped being so hard on myself when I gave back into it.  At some point when I relaxed more with myself the need for hurting myself became less and less.

It’s been over a year since I last self-harmed and before that only once in awhile.  I do occasionally feel that need to hurt myself, but the difference is that I choose not to.  Before I felt like I didn’t have a choice; that I had to give into my pain.  The thing is - you always have a choice to do better and you can do that by reaching out.  I did, and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself.

Patricia <3 J

 

Matthew 7:7     Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

 

Here’s a song about that no matter how this race is won, that I will stand by ground where hope can be found.  And O’Lord we know that He hears our cry.  And His love is lifting me above all those lies.  And no matter what I face that in time He’ll take all that is wrong and make it right.  Even when you are at the end of the rope and tears that you will stand your ground again with Him where hope can be found.

 

“O’Lord” by Lauren Daigle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K42bvpgimTg&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=139

 

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