In the Darkness

 

I was thinking on April 10, 2016 when a person feels down it can be for many different possibilities.  It could be anything from your favourite candy being out of stock at the store, to failing an exam, to breaking up with a significant other, to endless other reasons.  During those times each person can react differently to the same situation they are in.  A chocolate bar being unavailable at the store may not mean much to one person, but it could mean something more to the person who was really excited to have it.

Depression can be a lot like that.  For some people when they are depressed it can be deep and short-lived and then they are able to move on from it.  For others they can slowly seep deeper and deeper into themselves over time.  I found for myself I was of the second type as I kept so much inside for most of my life.

My depression started around age 12 or 13 and progressively got worse.  I would come home after school and secretly cry in my room almost every day for short bursts as I just wasn’t happy, yet I felt I couldn’t tell anyone.  In my mind I thought I’d only burden or scare people if I let someone know how I really felt inside.  Everyone was used to seeing me upbeat and happy so I didn’t want to disappoint them by being so down.

At one point I decided to stop putting on the façade of me being happy all the time.  I was really depressed and I stopped caring about who saw me that way.  I didn’t care about trying to smile or make things easier for people to be around me.  There was a darkness that was overcoming me and I didn’t know how to get out of it.  A lot of my friends and family were very concerned about me, but I didn’t want their help as I felt they wouldn’t understand what I was going through.  To be honest I didn’t really know back then what the root of my depression was as it seemed I was avoiding facing it.

The problem about not facing the deep dark depression inside of you is that it doesn’t go away.  It will follow you around wherever you go.  I know that may sound scary, but I’m just relating how it was for me.  I chose to use distractions to try get away from my pain and depression, but it never worked.  At one point I had nothing left in my life to live for when I was a teenager and I believed everyone hated me, so I decided to try to take my life.

After my first attempted suicide there was a part of me that wished God had let me go, but He felt I was meant to be here, and yet I continued to disagree with Him.  I was so furious with Him and the life I was living I stopped asking for His help altogether.  Sure I knew who He was, I just didn’t want a relationship with Him.  I tried to put my life back on track on my own, but it didn’t get much better.  Everything I saw in my life was dark.  Even when there was a light shining through I found it too bright for me, so I would cower away from it and dig deeper into my depression.

I didn’t want to be around anyone, but you can’t really do that when you have people in your life.  At some point I decided to put that happy face on again for others as I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but the pain didn’t go away.  I thought I could get better on my own, but the reality is I couldn’t.  For myself when life got unbearable I would try to take my life again, which happened several times.  I think there was a part of me that knew it wasn’t the answer, but I didn’t see any way out of it.  I was so scared to face the intense emotional pain I had inside of me that I felt it was easier to make it all stop by not being here. 

The thing I didn’t realize until much later was that all that intense dark pain could stop.  It didn’t have to be non-stop negativity in my head.  It didn’t have to be such extreme depression that you would feel completely numb all over.  It didn’t have to be where it’s the happiest day in your life and all you see is the darkness of it.  God showed me that He could help take away the pain and anguish in my life and show a light in my life that I could handle.

I wasn’t use to God’s light in my life, so He overtime slowly increased it so that I wouldn’t get so overwhelmed by it.  He showed me that I had a purpose in this life, and that’s what really helped me see that I had a life worth living.  I can say I will never go back there, as where I am in my life now I see the amazing life I have.

Just know that suicide is never the answer.  I would know as the attempts I had over the years never got me to a better place.  Please if you ever feel that way, reach out to someone, if no one is there, you can always talk to God, as He’s always there, and will reach out to you wherever you are.

Patricia <3 J

 

John 1:4-5     In Him was life, and the life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

 

Here’s a song about when everything seems to crashing down and you wonder were our God is, and it’s hard to know what to say and pray, but He’s the one that can hear our heart.  Even through joy and pain, we are on our knees singing our broken hallelujah.  Our Lord knows what brought us to this difficult times and tears, and though we don’t know exactly what His plans are, He’s still there.

 

“Broken Hallelujah” The Afters

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fo3DudOzV4k&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=131