1 Year of Recovery


I decided to write about my 1 year of recovery of my ED anorexia on March 19, 2016.  It’s amazing how quickly a year can go by.  I can hardly believe that I decided to break my scale a year ago on March 19, 2015.  I had the support of my husband as I took my scale down to the garbage area in our building and broke it with a hammer.  It was not an easy thing for me to do, but as I did it I was telling myself that the scale and my Eating Disorder didn’t have control over me anymore.

Since that day it hasn’t been an easy road.  Saying goodbye to my ED anorexia after 17 years and accepting recovery into my life was one of the hardest things I have done in my life up until then.  The ED felt like a part of me, even a friend.  I knew deep down though that wasn’t true, as it was a symptom of the pain I was going through in my life.  When you have had something in your life for a long time it doesn’t usually automatically stop – it takes time to resolve.   I can say that is the case with me.

After breaking my scale, I didn’t weigh myself for a couple of months.  I eventually decided later to use my husband’s scale.  When I did, I didn’t get down on myself for letting myself check my weight again because I realized for me never using the scale again would be unrealistic.  I find sometimes when a person is in recovery they can put too much expectations on themselves to remain perfect in it.  Often that’s what starts problems in the first place, trying to be perfect in this new life.

For some people who are in recovery from an ED they can’t use a scale again, and I think that is alright.  For me I broke the scale not just to stop using it, but to break away from my ED in a symbolic way.  Now when I occasionally use the scale it doesn’t have a hold on me like it did before.  It lets me know what my weight is and nothing more.  The number doesn’t define who I am, a number is simply a number. Before I couldn’t say that, but now I can.

In this last year I can say that I have become happier and more relaxed with myself.  I’ve let myself really enjoy food again.  Before in my anorexic mind I felt that restricting and not eating certain foods would make me feel better, but it didn’t.  All it did was make me lose myself from the inside out.

Being able to go to a restaurant now and enjoy the food and the company I am with is truly amazing.  Before I was so anxious about what others would think about what I was eating that I stopped going out to eat for over 10 years.  I can now sit down with my husband in a restaurant and enjoy our time together.

I’ve always been a fan of desserts even when I had my ED, but I often would not let myself have that much of them, or none at all at times.  On our last anniversary we went to a buffet restaurant and I had a whole plate of desserts and didn’t feel bad at all.  It was so much fun being able to try so many choices and not feel guilty for what I ate.

Even this past Friday we were over at a family friend’s place and it was in the middle of the day and I saw Nanaimo bars on the counter and all of me was like ‘oh I want those’ as they are my favourite dessert.  At one point our friend offered it to me and I had two choices either to say no because it was in between meals and I don’t like to eat then, or I could accept the Nanaimo bar she was offering.  I decided to not let my former thinking of my ED get me down and I took the bar and happily ate it.  Actually it was so good I ate a second one! ;)

I know that having an ED can take over your whole life and it is very hard to give it up, but I can tell you that what my life is now is a hundred times better than what it was when my ED was constant in my life.  Being without an eating disorder I have slowly started to take my life back and started to learn about myself again.  Without my anorexia I am able to let God back in my life more and He has really shown me that I don’t have to do everything by myself.  He has my back, as does my husband and many other people.  I’m excited to see what this next year holds for me.

Patricia <3 J

 

Isaiah 30:21    And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.

 

Here’s a good song post about that perfect love can cast out our fears that our Lord’s great love welcomes us like family, and anywhere you go that love meets you there and that our God is love, and that even through out failures or otherwise that His love is there with us till the end.

 

“God Is Love”  by Katy Nichole

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ef234sMNcDk&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=125

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