Learning to forgive and move on

 

On December 21, 2015 I was think about how some people may not always realize that when you keep bitterness, pain, unforgiveness, anger etc. inside or feel that for others it ends up hurting yourself more in the long run.  I know this as I have experience that myself.

 When I was in the worst of my eating disorder as a teenager I was not a happy person.  I stopped caring about trying to look happy for others.  I felt that if I was in a bad place I didn’t want others around me trying to cheer me up.  Of course this would make things awkward for those around me.

I think in those times I was trying to push people away by not being good company to be around with.  All I wanted to do was be by myself with my anorexia as I felt it was the only thing I could rely on at the time. 

At some point it became clear to everyone around me that my ED had gone too far and I really needed help.  The problem was that I didn’t want to get better from my ED.  Anyone that got in the way of my ED would get major attitude from me.

A few of my friends and family took it into their own hands to get me to the hospital for help.  Oh, I was really mad about that. I couldn’t believe that they would go behind my back and do that.  Of course back then I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I did not care about my health. 

I let some of my friends and family visit me in the hospital, but there were a few friends I didn’t let visit me as I was really angry at them.  I felt since I had gone to a few of my friends in the past to talk about how difficult life was and then they betrayed me by helping me get into the hospital, this caused me to not want to talk to them anymore.

Those few friends tried a few more times to reconnect with me, but I didn’t let them.  I ended up not communicating or seeing them for a full year.  During that year my anger didn’t go away as I held a grudge towards them.  The thing is – it didn’t make me think of them less; actually it made me think of them more that year.  With all that anger I had inside of me it made me more bitter and resentful.  I actually became even more depressed over that year and eventually I realized that I was only making things worse for myself.  In truth, those few friends didn’t do anything wrong.

In reality, they saved my life.  I know if they had let me keep going down that dangerous road I was going with my anorexia I likely wouldn’t be here today.  A year after I stopped talking to them I went to them and asked them to forgive me for holding a grudge toward them.  They did, but they were still very hurt for awhile and our friendship had definitely changed.

I realized afterward that, that I did not want to hold a grudge towards anyone again as it only caused more pain for both people.

I still of course get upset with people and I will admit that I don’t always tell them, but I have learned since that time when I was a teenager that even if I can’t confront the person, it’s important to at least be able to talk to someone else about my frustration. 

When you forgive or ask for forgiveness it gives you the opportunity to let the pain and bitterness go.  Then God can take those things and replace it with peace and compassion in your heart.  I know it’s not always easy to forgive but when you do it gives you the chance to move on with your life. That’s worth it. 

Patricia <3 J

Ephesians 4:31-32    Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

 

Here’s a more modern song of the original Amazing Grace song that is about our Lord, and that He would save someone like us, and that we were lost, but now we are found, and that our chains are gone and we have been set free with Him.

 

“Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) by Chirs Tomlin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbe7OruLk8I&list=PL3whQX319DaB37iB8NZpJe206iSdpe3kc&index=111