Pearce the Heart

  I decided to write this short post on Dec. 3, 2024, it’s been awhile since I wrote any newer posts as I haven’t been in the right mindset to do so.   My mental struggles have been really strong, and I often barley can get through the day. I just don’t feel like the same person I used to be, I know there is a caring part of me, but it just seems to be lost inside of me, so that even though I want to help people, that need is gone when I am so very focused on my own struggles constantly. But when I was just so lost, and trying anything to calm down, I got a reminder in my head of when my previous counsellor from years ago she mentioned to count to 10, and try not to think of anything else.   I tried it at first when I couldn’t sleep and surprisingly it helped me more than I expected.   For the most part I tend to sleep pretty easily, but there are times when my mind just keeps racing about my food obsessions, or how the day will be tomorrow, if I can get throug...

  On July 25, 2024 I decided to write about an important post about some things that came up during counselling. I was asking for healing from Yeshua (Jesus) & Elohim (God) with the Gut pain and any issues that may be the root cause of it. When I thought about that I felt that I said I feel scared all the time.   My counsellor asked what I felt when I was scared.   I said of Being Alone, Being Trapped with my emotions, being punished for being weak. Then he asked what are the emotions that are scary to be trapped with? I said Fear, Anxiety, Despair - Hopelessness. He asked me what I am afraid of and I said of dying alone, and I put that feeling 8 out of 10.   Then he asked where do you feel it in your body, I said my chest. Then he asked if there was any other fears, and I said Fear of living and not being able to handle it. -That’s when I had an overwhelmed feeling - connected to the 10 year old – of being scared of my dad and thinking life will nev...

  On June 27, 2024 I decided to write about an important post about some things that came up during counselling. I was feeling immense emotional pain and I want to commit suicide – But I Choose Not To as I love Elohim, Yeshua, and my husband and other loved ones. I have to admit that saying that makes me scared because the pain is so overwhelming - and it affects my husband so much that I keep giving into thoughts of suicide –   but I don't see a way out. So I say to Yeshua (Jesus) and Elohim (God) I am so terrified of life and all I want to do is hide and not be here anymore - and I'm sorry for not choosing life and not wanting to be alive, and do you forgive me? Yeshua said I do, and to remember to breathe and you aren't alone and I can help you. I tell Yeshua I am sooooo scared and I can't stop the pressure of this life. He says to me, Remember these 3 things Breathe, I am not alone and Yeshua & Elohim can help me, and to thank Them for that. Remembe...

  On June 13, 2024 I decided to write about an important post connected with a counselling appointment I had and I talked about the Shoppers store incident where a cashier thought I was possibly stealing, without saying it, as they don’t have plastic bags anymore.   I brought my own bag and put things I was going to buy in the bag that I bought.   She thought I was returning things or possibly otherwise – that cashier was a little confused as I didn’t originally have the items I was going to buy in my hands or cart.   When she questioned if I was returning things and implied having stuff in a bag could make others think a person could take something and just leave the store – but when I said oh no I wouldn’t do that– and it got me suddenly triggered and the cashier felt bad as she didn't mean to make me feel that way, and she was just confused about the bag of stuff I had – It ended up making me feel like I am a bad little girl inside. That triggered me to feel...

  Here's an important post from On April 18, 2024 when I was talking to my counsellor and I told him that I have been super struggling and not wanting to be here - but that I know I Have To Be Here and it makes me feel trapped ☹ . He reminded me that the Inner Critic can want to punish and push me to want to Take my Life As the Inner Critic can feel like I Don't deserve to be Alive, and it makes it harder to find a safer better pathway to where our Elohim (God), as well as Yeshua (Jesus) is. I told my counsellor that I want to Escape this life – I want to escape myself – but I can't – and that I can't turn off the immense fear of facing every day life I tell him that I feel so scared – and I hate that I can't get myself to relax – I feel terror a lot of the time – and I'm just wishing I won't wake up some day. But I also feel guilty about that as I know my sweet hubby and others want me here. I told my counsellor when he asked me what it was like...

On April 10, 2024 I decided to write a sweet little post about something that my hubby does for me each night since I got back from H.W. It’s about Stanley the Bear, which he is named after the children’s book I wrote and (Squishy), which is his nick name, which he is a stuffed animal that I got from my friend L. when I was at H.W. ED Program. He is so adorable, and when I was at H.W. I would sleep with him each night, as he made me feel safe when I was alone, as I could only see my hubby when he came for a visit on the weekends at the centre. I appreciated that L. gave that to me, as she wanted me to feel less alone.  And I felt like Elohim (God) knew that there were times when I would get scared and He knew I’d need that soft stuff animal to smile back at me and help me smile even when I was scared. So unexpected for me when I got home my sweet hubby decided to start doing a hide and seek for the Squishy when I got to bed.  Which he would have me try to find him some...